Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Equal Opportunity Bombing

Equal Opportunity Bombing

Friday 16 October, 2015
The Think Tank reaches the conclusion that a solution in Syria depends on the Russians switching tactics from aiming rocket attacks at Syria and hitting Iran to aiming them at Iran and hitting Syria.
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Jacqui Lambie Think Tank masthead

Nazel Hare, Randy Mayle and Prof. Penny Wise responded with alacrity to Jacqui’s summons to a Think Tank session last Friday because they were keenly aware it would coincide with Glad’s Tassie Tucker Tasting Week.

“Malcolm seems to have got off to a good start” said Nazel

“He had me over to his office last week” said Jacqui “for afternoon tea and a chat. I never got so much as a kiss-my-bum-for-Christmas from Tony. Now look the purpose of today’s Think Tank session is to design the Jacqui Lambie Network policy on Syria”

“Isn’t that where the carpets come from?” asked Nazel

“No that’s Persia” replied Randy

“No it’s not” said Penny “it’s Iran”

“So what comes from Syria?” asked Nazel

“Refugees” replied Jacqui

“And the Ayatollah” said Randy

“No he doesn’t” said Jacqui “I think he comes from Melbourne”

“Isn’t Syria the place that everyone’s bombing at the moment?” asked Nazel

“That’s right” said Jacqui “because it offers the most attractive selection of terrorist bombing targets anywhere in the world. Nobody protests to the UN if you bomb terrorists so most countries are taking the opportunity to give their air force a bit of practice. And no-one seems to give a rats-arse about all the carbon they’re emitting”

“I propose” said Randy “that the Jacqui Lambie Network policy on Syria should be to ignore it and hope it will eventually wipe out all terrorists”

“The problem is” said Penny “that everyone’s bombing either the terrorists or the rebels and Assad who was responsible for causing the whole mess is getting off scot free”

“Interesting point” said Jacqui “because if someone started bombing Assad it could possibly make the situation seem a whole lot fairer”

“Absolutely” agreed Penny “it hardly seems right that one of the world’s biggest ratbags is relaxing in his harem or wherever while everyone else is bombing on his behalf”

“Brilliant thinking” said Jacqui ‘I’ll announce in the Senate that the Jacqui Lambie Network policy on Syria is based on equal opportunity bombing for all and we should immediately start bombing Assad”

“There’s just one problem though” said Penny “if we bomb Assad it’s going to infuriate the Russians and help IS”

“That’s the problem with the Middle East” said Jacqui “people always have to go and complicate things”

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About this Series
Friday Mash has gained exclusive access to the intellectual powerhouse behind the Lambie political phenomenon. Jacqui has assembled a Think Tank comprising the best minds in Tasmania. Nazel Hare is Jacqui’s campaign manager and President of the Lambie for PM Movement, Randy Mayle is the leader of the Tasmanics a star-studded group of star studs and Professor Penny Wise is the Head of Business Studies at Burnie University. The Think Tank meets regularly at Glad’s Tea Rooms just outside Launceston and Friday Mash will bring you regular reports of their intellectual discourse.

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