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UK Election CamPAIN 2015

Flying Scotswoman Trainwreck

Flying Scotswoman Trainwreck

Friday 8 May, 2015
Tori Banger, Friday Mash’s seductive UK correspondent, has managed to get last minute interviews with the leaders of all major parties contesting the UK election on May 7th. These are exclusive excerpts from her compelling discussions.
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UK Election CamPAIN 2015

“Tell me Nicola” I said “how confident are you of success in the upcoming election?”

“I have every reason to believe” replied Nicola “that I shall come out of it as the de facto UK Prime Minister because Ed won’t be able to resist the offer of being my front-man on the proviso that he sticks Trident up his nuclear fallout and sets absolutely no limit on spending in Scotland”

“Is there any chance of you forming an alliance with David” I asked “if the Conservatives win the most seats?”

“Never in history has a Cameron been such a traitor to Scotland” replied Nicola “When we gain independence I’m going to insist that either he pledges allegiance to Scotland or changes his name”

UK elections leaders

“Now then Nigel” I said “what are UKIP’s chances?”

“I can’t tell you how excited I am” replied Nigel “about leading the UK into a future free from immigrants and the EU”
“But the polls are indicating” I said “you will only win between four and 10 seats”

“I simply view the polls as a catalyst” said Nigel “I’m using their results to remind people of the need not to give a continental and vote us into at least 326 seats. The EU is so convinced that I’m about to become prime minister they’re offering me a 50% reduction in membership fees to keep the UK on board”

“How are you feeling about things Ed?” I asked

“Extremely confident that I’ll be the next prime minister” replied Ed

“Aren’t you worried about all the demands that Nicola would place on you” I asked “in return for her support?”

“Of course not” replied Ed “those sort of things are inconsequential when weighed against the bonus of having me as prime minister”

“People are saying that if you become prime minister” I said “the UK will be run by the SNP and the unions”

“They’re forgetting the EU” replied Ed

“Nick what are the electoral prospects for the Lib Dems?” I asked

“Absolutely diabolical” replied Nick “but don’t quote me”

“Tell me David” I said “are you going to hang on?”

“Of course” replied David “Boris won’t be PM before 2018”

“No I mean in government” I said

“If the UK is run by Nicola and Ed” said David “it would be like Bonnie and Clyde coming home to Scotland. They’d rob England, Wales and Northern Ireland to ensure the Scots had something to put their kilts”

“How on earth are you going to prevent the SNP from running rampant around Westminster?” I asked

“I’ll ban whisky from all the parliamentary bars” replied David

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About this Series
Tori Banger, Friday Mash’s UK political correspondent, will be providing coverage of the UK election in her own inimitably seductive style

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