Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Getting Things Unstraight

Getting Things Unstraight

Friday 14 August, 2015
Jacqui leans on the Think Tank to come up with a policy for her on gay marriage because she hasn’t had much luck with the other sort.
The story starts here...

Jacqui Lambie Think Tank masthead
Nazel Hare, Randy Mayle and Prof Penny Wise joined Jacqui for a Think Tank meeting at Glad’s Tea Rooms and were very gratified to find a huge serve of cupcakes waiting for them.

“These are delicious Jacqui” said Randy “I hope you’ve charged them to your parliamentary expenses”

“I have” said Jacqui ”because they’re a lot easier to swallow than helicopter flights”

“Do you think you’ll be Abbott’s Captains Pick for the next Speaker?” asked Nazel

“The only thing Abbott would pick me for” replied Jacqui “is heading up a Royal Commission into Clive. Look our task today is to formulate the Jacqui Lambie Network policy on gay marriage”

“I’m absolutely in favour of it” said Nazel “so long as gay married couples suffer the equality of three screaming kids like mine”

“Gay marriage is as inevitable” said Penny “as Tony making Bronnie a Dame for services to the travel industry”

“I’m worried” said Randy “that any new form of marriage could be a further constraint on my single-minded sexual career”

“I’ve given this a lot of thought” said Jacqui “but it doesn’t seem to have got me anywhere. I’m not bigoted or homophobic except when it comes to Clive and Abbott but when I see how gorgeous some of the gay guys are I can’t help thinking it’s such a waste of talent”

“Look Jacqui” said Penny “at your age it’s about time you stopped thinking about sex and concentrated more on affairs of the mind”

“The problem is” said Jacqui “my thought processes never seem to reach a climax”

“Let’s face it Jacqui” said Nazel ‘gay marriage is happening so you might as well lie back and enjoy it”

“Never” exclaimed Jacqui “I used to be the hottest way to heterosexual heaven in Hobart”

“Now you’re showing all the signs of a prolonged cooling-off period” said Randy

“I’m in a bit of a quandary here” said Jacqui “I understand all the profound issues involved and why it is essentially an equality issue for the gay community but I don’t why the Catholic Church has got a conscience about it when it doesn’t have a conscience about all that other stuff”

“You do realise” said Penny “that if you come out against gay marriage you’ll be lining up with wowsers like Abbott and Eric Abetz

“Oh crikey” said Jacqui “I’d forgotten that. Gay marriage is a much more attractive proposition than getting involved in any sort of affair with those two”

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About this Series
Friday Mash has gained exclusive access to the intellectual powerhouse behind the Lambie political phenomenon. Jacqui has assembled a Think Tank comprising the best minds in Tasmania. Nazel Hare is Jacqui’s campaign manager and President of the Lambie for PM Movement, Randy Mayle is the leader of the Tasmanics a star-studded group of star studs and Professor Penny Wise is the Head of Business Studies at Burnie University. The Think Tank meets regularly at Glad’s Tea Rooms just outside Launceston and Friday Mash will bring you regular reports of their intellectual discourse.

View all articles in the The Lambie Think Tank Series
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