Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Getting to the Bottom of Things

Getting to the Bottom of Things

Friday 13 November, 2015
Kerryman advises Obama how his do nothing policies in the Middle East could end up doing something.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“I’m very concerned” said Biden “that Putin’s kicking your arse in the Middle East
“Nonsense” responded Obama “the Middle East of my arse remains completely untouched”
“And don’t forget” said Biden ‘how he dumped on you over Edward Snowden”

“You’ve got a point there” said Obama “he was a real pain-in-the-arse over that matter but I contented myself with the thought that he’s never won the Nobel Peace Prize like me”

“There is however the prospect” said Biden “that unlike you he could win Syria and Iraq”

“I’m getting your drift” said Obama “what you’re implying is that would rather be like losing the World Series and the Super Bowl”

“Now you know how the Mets feel” said Biden

“Well what should we do?” asked Obama “I promised not to put any boots on the ground and I didn’t even react when Assad crossed the red line”

“Let’s call Kerryman in to see if he’s got any clues about what to do” said Biden “he’s recently been in talks about the future of Syria”

“That’s Kerryman’s problem” said Obama “all talk and no action”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was splitting hairs with the Russian Foreign Minister because he hadn’t had time to go for a trim.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama when he arrived “I’m getting a really bad feeling in my rear end about this Putin guy”

“It could be constipation” suggested Kerryman

“What exactly is his game in the Middle East?” asked Obama

“He wants to own it” replied Kerryman “and Syria seems like a good place to start”

“Do you see that as a threat to the US?” asked Obama

“Of course” replied Kerryman “people will start thinking we’re pushovers. The difference between Putin and you is that he reacts when people like ISIL cross red lines”

“I’m funny like that” said Obama “I don’t even react when millions of Mexicans illegally cross the line into the US

“If I were you” said Kerryman ‘I’d keep my powder dry. Allow Putin to pulverise ISIL and then wait for him to appoint Edward Snowden to replace Assad as President of Syria. Then you forgive Snowden for his whistleblowing, welcome him back into the fold and that way you cleverly nick Syria back from Putin

“Brilliant” exclaimed Obama “how do you think Putin would react?”

“He wouldn’t be all that surprised” replied Kerryman “because he knows you can be just as big a pain-in-the-arse as he is”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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