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Abbott into Abbattman

Giving a Rat’s Arse

Giving a Rat’s Arse

Friday 1 May, 2015
Abbattman goes on a mission to help premier Colin Darnit come to terms with the fact that WA is a charity organisation supporting SA and Tassie.
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Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Tony Abbott was just recovering from the shock of Bill Shorthairs launching a policy when the Abbattphone rang.

“Abbattoperations is worried about Colin Darnit in WA” said Bronnie from Abbattapad HQ “because if he craps on much longer about his unfair GST share you can kiss goodbye to most of your WA seats at the next election. Your emergency mission is to find a way of fixing this GST grabfest before you become seatless in Scarborough”

Tony immediately seized upon the strategic significance of this mission. He knew he wouldn’t fare at all well if both Bill Shorthairs and Colin Darnit kept crapping on about how unfair he was.

In view of the mission’s emergency status he eschewed a strategic review with Abbattintelligence. As soon as he’d donned his Abbattgear he pedalled straight down to the Abbattdrome on the Abbattbike, awaited the completion of Bronnie’s mission countdown and took off for Perth on the Abbattplane.

The moment he touched down Abbattman was off and running. He pedalled the Abbattbike off the plane straight down to Harvest Terrace, then drove right through the door to Parliament House and the one to Darnit’s office.

“Great to see you in WA Abbattman” said Darnit “what brings you here?”

“I have come” announced Abbattman “to sort out the GST thing between you and Tony”

“It’s all so unfair” said Darnit “if WA citizens want to enjoy the fruits of the GST they generate they’ve got to move to SA or Tassie”

‘How about I help out by organising a WA Flag Day in all the other states?” asked Abbattman

‘It wouldn’t work” replied Darnit “because all the other states are such a load of tight-arses. We’d benefit much more from the Australian Way of doing things if we became part of Singapore. Premiers like Bared, Sandshoes, Palaceway, Dodgyman and Watermill don’t give a rat’s arse whether all I get for collecting billions of GST is a letter of thanks from the Treasury”

“How about I persuade Gina Rinehart” asked Abbattman “to make WA a shareholder in her business?”

“That’s no bloody good” replied Darnit ‘because the way the price of iron ore is going she’ll be on entitlements by the end of the year. I’m even thinking of telling all WA citizens to buy everything attracting GST in other states. That way at least we’d get a small amount of GST from them rather than having to suffer them pocketing most of ours”

“I’ve got it” said Abbattman ‘I’ll persuade Tony and Daniel Sandshoes to build an East-West Link that starts in East Melbourne and ends in West Perth and allows you to collect loads of toll money”

“That sounds better” said Darnit “I’ll shut the airport and force everyone to come here by car”


About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

View all articles in the Abbott into Abbattman Series
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