Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Gone But Not Remembered

Gone But Not Remembered

Friday 9 December, 2016
Obama is distraught at the prospect of his legacy being trashed by Trump but Kerryman insists it’s all Hillary’s fault. “I thought that all things considered” opined Obama “I treated Trump pretty decently when he visited the White House” “I agree” asserted Biden “especially when you consider one of his major priorities is removing all […]
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kerrymanObama is distraught at the prospect of his legacy being trashed by Trump but Kerryman insists it’s all Hillary’s fault.

“I thought that all things considered” opined Obama “I treated Trump pretty decently when he visited the White House”

“I agree” asserted Biden “especially when you consider one of his major priorities is removing all trace of the great things you’ve done as President”

“The tragedy is” lamented Obama “my legacy is about to get lobotomised and there’s nothing I can do about it”

“Sanctuary cities will go” warned Biden

“Jeez” exclaimed Obama “that means I could get deported to Africa”

“Obamacare will be replaced by Trumpcare” claimed Biden “which is particularly unhealthy for women under fifty”

“I’m worried that Trump will appoint Edward Snowden our ambassador in Moscow” revealed Obama “and replace our diplomatic links with Russia with diplomatic leaks”

“You don’t think Trump will actually build the wall do you?” asked Biden

“Well if Mexico refuses to pay for it” responded Obama “he could take a fence”

“He’s going to tear up the agreement you negotiated with Iran” asserted Biden

“That would pull the Persian Rug out from under the entire Middle East” gasped Obama “we’d better check with Kerryman whether he’s made contingency arrangements to prevent Trump causing World War III”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was taking part in a sheep shearing contest as a replacement for one of the sheep who had a prior engagement.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama sternly when he finally showed “what steps have you taken to prevent Trump starting World War III?”

“I’ve arranged for a UN Peacekeeping Force” explained Kerryman “to be on permanent standby at the White House from the day Trump moves in”

“What good will that do?” demanded Obama

“It will prevent an invasion by the Clintons” replied Kerryman

“Do you really think Hillary is a major threat?” asked Obama

“Of course” replied Kerryman “she’s the real reason your legacy is in jeopardy because she ran such a terrible campaign. Can you imagine anyone being ‘stronger together’ with Hillary apart from Anthony Weiner?

“Who do you think Trump will appoint as your successor as Secretary of State?” asked Obama

“It’s a toss-up between Melania and The Terminator” replied Kerryman

“What do you think will happen to Gitmo under Trump?” asked Obama

“It will be expanded to encompass the whole of Cuba” replied Kerryman “and become the world’s leading refugee destination”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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