Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Greecing a Few Palms

Greecing a Few Palms

Friday 6 February, 2015
You’ll be absolutely spellbound by Kerryman’s idea to save the Greeks by declaring war on them.
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Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

‘Say Joe’ said Obama ‘what do you make of the developments in Greece?’

‘Beats me’ said Biden ‘they’ve just elected a government promising not to repay the debts they racked up through irresponsible spending so that they can spend irresponsibly on helping make unemployment more enjoyable’

‘How did they get in this position in the first place?’ asked Obama

‘Governments handed out entitlements they couldn’t afford’ replied Biden ‘in order to get re-elected’

‘How every interesting’ said Obama ‘this Tsipras guy could be on to something. Do you think China would be ok with us halving our debt and not paying them anything for ten years?’

‘Oh sure’ replied Biden ‘as long as they can see the benefits of their own economy taking a bath and the world financial system in chaos’

‘Pity’ said Obama ‘if it wasn’t for the $18 trillion debt our economy would be in great shape’

‘The Greek thing is pretty serious’ said Biden ‘if Greece stuffs the euro it’s certainly going to reverberate round Wall St’

‘Geez’ said Obama ‘that is serious. I wonder what that idiot Kerryman is doing about it. He acts like the Secretary of Tourism rather than the Secretary of State. It’s about time we called him in for another major bollocking’

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was spending the day at a hairdressing convention in Philadelphia trying to save time by cramming a week’s haircuts into a single day.

‘Look here Kerryman’ said Obama when he fronted at the White House ‘this Greece thing is a monumental disaster. Surely we could have stopped the Syriza Party winning the election if we’d sent enough CIA agents over’

‘Relax’ said Kerryman ‘the situation is under control’

‘How can you say that’ asked Obama ‘when the Greeks are about to send the euro down the tubes?’

‘I’ve got a plan’ replied Kerryman

‘Well what the hell is it?’ asked Obama

‘The trouble with Greece’ said Kerryman ‘is that the damage is self-inflicted rather than caused by the ravages of war’

‘So what?’ asked Biden

‘So if you’re financially stuffed through your own profligacy and irresponsibility’ replied Kerryman ‘other countries are not going to be as responsive to your plight as if you’d been ravaged by war’

‘Interesting’ said Obama

‘If Greece was war-damaged’ said Kerryman ‘aid would start pouring in from everywhere. There would even be collections at Redskins’ home games’

‘So what are you suggesting?’ asked Obama

‘We should declare war on Greece’ replied Kerryman ‘we wouldn’t have to do much except withdraw our ambassador and bomb some ancient ruins. The aid would be instant and overwhelming and the Greek economy would soon be back on its feet’

‘Brilliant’ said Obama ‘but how do you think that strategy sits with my Nobel Peace Award?’

‘Give us a break’ said Biden ‘no-one gives a shit about that except you’


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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