Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Groping For Greatness

Groping For Greatness

Friday 6 January, 2017
Look I love all Australians I really do. In fact no-one loves Australians more than I do especially Miranda Kerr. I know you are all anxious to learn what effect my policies will have on your country and I’m pleased to confirm that I’m absolutely committed to address those issues no later than 2018 or […]
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Look I love all Australians I really do. In fact no-one loves Australians more than I do especially Miranda Kerr.

I know you are all anxious to learn what effect my policies will have on your country and I’m pleased to confirm that I’m absolutely committed to address those issues no later than 2018 or 2019.

However I am concerned by the gratuitous garbage about me in the Aussie media asserting that I’m abandoning you to political correctness and the Chinese.

There’s absolutely no chance of me deserting a country that has produced not only so many beautiful women but Operation Sovereign Borders as well. This brilliant initiative was the inspiration for the wall along our Southern Border and in fact I’m still considering whether to install a waterway rather than a wall so I can deploy an Operation Sovereign Borders fleet just like yours.

I’m aware that many Australians are concerned that because the Clintons and Obama liked their country so much I would automatically ignore it. In fact I have already instructed Rex Tillerson my Secretary of State to arrange an official visit down there for 2022 after I’ve beaten Hillary for the Presidency for a second time.

I must say it was a shock to discover how far you are from Washington but you can rest assured that Rex and I will spare no effort on Twitter to ensure you don’t feel neglected by my isolationist policies.

The EU is a basket-case, Africa’s a zoo, South America is even further to the left than Obama, China is a perpetual pain-in-the-arse and the Middle East is like New York before it was invaded by Rudy Giuliani.

So that leaves Russia, an odd assortment of countries in South-East Asia and Australia as the only countries with whom I can have a sensible conversation. I’ve asked the CIA to check whether that Trudeau guy in Canada is an Obama clone.

You can be absolutely reassured that Miranda Kerr will be constantly in my thoughts over the coming years so obviously Australia will never be far from them.

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