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Dick Head Interviews

Have ACTU Sacked You?

Have ACTU Sacked You?

Friday 4 September, 2015
Friday Mash’s renowned Canberra correspondent Dick Head talks to Dave Oliver, Secretary of the ACTU, about the role his organisation is aiming to play in the demise of Abbott and the Australian economy.
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Dick Head Reports on FridayMash

The Dick Head Interview

With Dave Oliver

“Tell me Dave” said Dick “is your Build a Better Future campaign designed to encourage the building unions to raise their game?”

“Essentially” replied Dave “it’s about building a better future for all union members and a worse one for Abbott”

“Do you really believe” asked Dick “that Bill Shorten would be a better prime minister than Tony Abbott?”

“Well he’d be better for the ACTU” replied Dave “and that’s all that concerns me. What’s more he’d owe us big if our One-term Tony campaign was instrumental in getting him into the Lodge”

“So what would you expect from him in return?” asked Dick

“Well the very least we’d expect” replied Dave “is implementing our wages policy, no increase in the GST, scrap the free trade agreement with China, a Royal Commission into Abbott, a pardon for all union members in the nick and a rule that all Labor parliamentary candidates must have had experience working in a union”

“What’s your policy on climate change?” asked Dick

“We’re absolutely committed to protecting our precious environment for future generations” replied Dave “provided it doesn’t mean the loss of a single job”

“But Labor’s ETS and RET policies” said Dick “would result in significant job losses at power stations”

“No they won’t” responded Dave “because the ACTU has crafted a policy for implementation by Labor to ensure that all power workers who lose their jobs will transition seamlessly into union officials with responsibility for overseeing our policy that no power workers should lose their jobs”

“I see Bill Shorten thinks the unions have too much influence over the Labor Party” said Dick “What’s your view on that?”

“It’s obvious nonsense” replied Dave “The Labor Party is a branch of the ACTU and without us to guide them they‘d become like the First Bloke without Julia.

We supply them with all their money, policies and parliamentary members and make up for the fact that the last good idea Bill had was to start drinking milk”

“Is it possible that the ACTU could ever become a political party in its own right?” asked Dick

“Certainly” replied Dave “and it would offer massive benefits like giving outstanding political talents like me a more direct path to the prime ministership”

“What role is the ACTU planning to take in rebuilding the economy?” asked Dick

“It’s not our role to build the economy” replied Dave “we’re rather the main reason why other people have to keep doing that”

“So how will the Dyson Heydon thing work out?” asked Dick

“Well” replied Dave “it’s obvious that the more union officials he condemns for misconduct the more tainted he’ll become”


About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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