Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Having a Say in the FTA

Having a Say in the FTA

Friday 18 September, 2015
Bill has an inspirational idea on how to get ACTU support for the FTA with China without making Dave Oliver the Shadow Minister for Employment.
The story starts here...

Shorten Forgettable MastHead for FridayMash series on Bill Shorten satire

“I’ve just had an absolutely killer idea” announced Bill

“Pardon me” said Tanya “if I don’t exude breathless anticipation but so far this year your ideas have been about as productive as an ETS in Syria”

“Believe me” said Bill “this one is special. It has the power to change the global economic outlook”

“Don’t tell me” said Tanya “you’re proposing a GST on all Tony Burke’s travel expenses

“My idea is” said Bill “that under the Free Trade Agreement everyone in Australia who is unemployed should be given a job in China”

“Seriously Bill” said Tanya “it’s time you left the ideas thing to other people”

“No listen” protested Bill “the FTA allows the Chinese get jobs in Australia so it’s only fair our workers get a gig over there”

“Bill let’s forget about the rhetoric for a moment” said Tanya “if the Chinese weren’t investing in Australia there wouldn’t be any jobs so it’s only fair they can bring in their own workers if there aren’t any Aussies qualified to do them”

“On the other hand” said Bill “there are thousands of Aussies more qualified than the Chinese to do jobs in China”

“Like what?” asked Tanya

“Like running a Chinese takeaway business” replied Bill “working with Penny Wong and conniving with Clive to sue the Chinese for the return of his iron ore”

“I appreciate the fact we need a strategy” said Tanya “to prevent the Coalition getting all the glory for the FTA with China but to be frank Bill I don’t think you’ve quite got there”

“Then how about we demand” said Bill thoughtfully “that everything we export to China should be unloaded and distributed over there by Aussie labour?”

“Well the possible flaw with that suggestion” replied Tanya “is that they’d have to become part of a Chinese Communist workers’ co-operative and I think that might be asking too much even from a CFMEU perspective”

“I’m only trying to big-note myself with the unions” said Bill ‘by grabbing every possible job that I can”

“Then why don’t you come up with the idea of setting up a national network of inquiries into the FTA” asked Tanya “staffed exclusively by unemployed workers? The ACTU would love that and it would miff Malcolm no end”

“There you go” said Bill “I knew my next great idea was only a matter of time”


About this Series
Bill Shorten suffers from a chronic inability to make an impression. People not only have problems remembering who he is but also remembering any of his ideas or in fact whether he’s ever had any. The only thing he’s ever remembered for is stabbing prime ministers which is of course the one thing he’d prefer that everyone forgot.

View all articles in the Shorten Forgettable Series
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