Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

High Speed Hump

High Speed Hump

Friday 4 March, 2016
Should we abandon all hope of ever being connected to the NBN? Fred Plodge, Australia’s leading public bar commentator on politics, believes it would be life-threatening to hold your breath.
The story starts here...

Public Bar Politics - a FridayMash satirical series

I just don’t seem able to shake the conviction that the NBN is a non-event.

Initially I was an enthusiastic supporter regularly peering down my street in eager anticipation of seeing cables being laid. Lately however I’ve become utterly disillusioned and am resigned to being offered an expensive third-rate service around 2025.

This was originally a Kevin idea so I should have known better. Then Stephen Conroy kept reassuring us that the NBN was on track and on budget and obviously I should have recognised the warning signs.

Next Tony came to power and ensured Malcolm wouldn’t be able to bask in ministerial glory by lumbering him with the NBN.

From the getgo Malcolm described the NBN as a laughable Labor lemon singularly lacking in juice. He may have succeeded in transforming it into a mere disaster but how the hell can anyone tell? Naturally Labor is now claiming that Malcolm has trashed their technological triumph into something akin to the Jacqui Lambie Network.

According to Malcolm it was only his dedication over and above the normal call of duty supported by State Disaster Relief Services that has saved the NBN from a place in the Global Disaster Hall of Fame alongside Kevin’s other great legacy Pink Batts.

Meanwhile low-speed and low-rent internet users like me have to accept that there’s absolutely zero chance of picking up speed with the NBN until 2025 at the earliest. In fact I reckon the next budget surplus will beat it by quite a few years.

Here in the public bar we still nurture faint hopes of a high-speed video link with our mates at the pub down the road which can facilitate graphic depictions of their many character defects in glorious living colour.

With no news of any NBN cables being laid within a hundred mile radius for the time being we’ll have to make do with hacking their on-line banking sites and charging our bar tabs to them.


About this Series
Fred Plodge is widely acclaimed as Australia’s premier pub commentator on politics and international affairs. Pub patrons throughout Sydney look to Fred as their most unfailingly reliable source of current affairs commentary. Fred’s insight seems to reach full potential after around six schooners and this has led to a feeling amongst patrons that by comparison the commentary from most politicians falls a few schooners short.

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