Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Hillary’s Handicap

Hillary’s Handicap

Friday 7 October, 2016
Kerryman comes up with the definitive answer on why Hillary isn’t trouncing Trump in the polls but Obama takes it personally. “I just can’t understand how a trash-talker like Trump” complained Obama “can command so much support” “It beats me too” concurred Biden “my political acumen tells me she should be at least fifty points […]
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Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMashKerryman comes up with the definitive answer on why Hillary isn’t trouncing Trump in the polls but Obama takes it personally.

“I just can’t understand how a trash-talker like Trump” complained Obama “can command so much support”

“It beats me too” concurred Biden “my political acumen tells me she should be at least fifty points ahead of him but the pollsters confirm she’s about fifty points short of that”

“How can it possibly be that a ratbag like Trump is still in the game” asked Obama despairingly “with a realistic shot of taking over my personal toilet at the White House”

“Perhaps the reality is” conceded Biden “he’s a more convincing liar than Hillary”

“Unlikely” commented Obama

“Perhaps it’s the Bill factor” suggested Biden

“I refuse to believe” said Obama adamantly “that the future direction of this country can be influenced by Monica and Gennifer Flowers”

“Maybe Trump’s saying something that resonates with people” theorised Biden

“Trump isn’t capable of saying anything” asserted Obama “that would even resonate in North Korea. There’s got to be a rational explanation for all this”

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that” cautioned Biden “after all we are talking about Trump”

“You know” mused Obama “the cause of Hillary’s suffering could be the half-arsed way Kerryman is conducting foreign affairs. Syria, the EU, Palestine and Israel have all gone feral and we’re top of the shit-list in both Russia and China. We should pull him into line before Hillary ends up like Sarah Palin”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was at the UN trying to see the way forward on Syria and he’d just decided that a haircut would help.

“Now look here Kerryman” uttered Obama as he entered the Oval Office “we believe your performance in foreign affairs is what’s stuffing Hillary’s Presidential prospects”

“On the contrary” responded Kerryman “world leaders are agreed that my tenure as Secretary of State is making Hillary’s previous effort look like a global godsend”

“Well Joe and I” explained Obama “have been straining our brains to identify why Hillary isn’t fifty points ahead of Trump in the polls”

“Actually” remarked Kerryman “it’s really quite simple, you are the problem”

“You can’t be serious” gasped Obama

“Look at it this way” advised Kerryman “you introduced Obamacare which has clobbered more people than it’s cured, you have allowed the spending power of Middle America to slip, you’ve treated the $20 trillion debt like it’s owed by the Republicans, you’ve ignored the cries from blue collar workers to stop illegal immigrants nicking their jobs and you’ve presided over a government which is about as popular Trump in regional Turkey”

“Jeez” gasped Obama “does that mean Hillary is a lost cause?”

“All will not be lost” advised Kerryman “if you make a speech warning people that Trump as President would be just like another dose of you”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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