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Ideas Trading Scheme

Ideas Trading Scheme

Friday 21 August, 2015
Following his inability to come up with any new ideas so far this year Bill considers changing the emphasis to recycled and resuscitated ideas.
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Shorten Forgettable MastHead for FridayMash series on Bill Shorten satire

Bill Shorten; His Year of Ideas

“I’ve just thought of a brilliant idea” said Bill

“Well it’s about time” said Albo “I was just about to recommend that we postpone your Year of Ideas till 2016”

“Perhaps I did rush things a bit” said Bill “scheduling it for 2015”

“2016 is no-no” said Tanya “it’s the Year of the Election so there’s no time for ideas”

“Come to think of it” said Bill “I had an idea last week as well. I realised we could end the kerfuffle about higher penalty rates on Sundays by raising them to the same level on Saturdays”

“If anything” said Albo “I’d rate that idea even lower than the one you had to recommend Mark Latham for a knighthood”

“What’s wrong with it?” demanded Bill “it would mean that workers on Saturdays get the same rates as workers on Sundays. You can’t get fairer than that”

“Bill” said Tanya “let’s get serious here. It would mean that just as many businesses would shut on Saturdays as on Sundays and there would be a massive loss of work”

“Okay then” said Bill “why don’t we support lowering the penalty rates on Sundays to the same level as Saturdays and so create more work?”

“Get real Bill” said Albo “the ACTU would go ape-shit. You can’t create extra work by paying workers less because that would logically lead to full employment which would result in both the ACTU and the Labor Party becoming redundant”

“Alright then” said Bill “what about this for a real ball-tearer? Members of the Parliamentary Labour Party should donate all their parliamentary entitlements to charity”

“Bill please tell me you’re joking” said Tanya “how the hell could we operate on that basis?”

“We’d stay in Canberra the whole time” said Bill “and operate on-line. It would put an end to all the sordid expense scandals and the public would stop thinking we’re all swindlers”

“But how would we service our constituents?” asked Albo

“Either get them to travel here” replied Bill “or we could borrow Clive’s executive jet or hitch-hike or something”

“You know what” said Tanya “I think you’re 2014 idea to make 2015 your Year of Ideas was no better than what you’ve come up with so far this year”

“Tanya is right” said Albo “new ideas aren’t really your thing Bill. You’re much better at recycling Julia’s and Kevin’s old ideas which didn’t work either but at least the unions liked them”

“So you think resuscitating the ETS, increasing taxes on the wealthy and a higher Medicare levy will be enough ideas for 2015?” asked Bill

“Not quite” said Tanya “don’t forget my ideas to oppose the GST increase, IR reforms, free trade agreements, abolishing Sunday penalty rates and in fact anything that puts the national interest before the ACTU and arse-holing Abbott”


About this Series
Bill Shorten suffers from a chronic inability to make an impression. People not only have problems remembering who he is but also remembering any of his ideas or in fact whether he’s ever had any. The only thing he’s ever remembered for is stabbing prime ministers which is of course the one thing he’d prefer that everyone forgot.

View all articles in the Shorten Forgettable Series
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