Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Identity Crisis

Identity Crisis

Friday 29 May, 2015
The management committee of an ALP branch who are meeting to plan a visit by Bill are disappointed that the Party isn’t sending anyone more recognisable.
The story starts here...

Shorten Forgettable MastHead for FridayMash series on Bill Shorten satire
The management committee of the ALP’s Charmsville Branch always meets on the third Tuesday of the month.

“The first item on our agenda today” said Bert “is the address by Bill Shorten next week on the Party’s alternative budget proposals”

“Who the hell is Bill Shorten?” asked Marge

“It says here he’s the leader of the Labor Party” replied Bert

“I thought that was Kevin Gillard” said Beryl

“Yes I’m sure it was a name like that” said Neville

“Apparently” said Bert “he’s coming to expand on the ideas he announced in the budget in reply speech”

“That must be wrong” said Connie “I’m sure it was Albo who did that. Perhaps Bill was his speechwriter”

“I’ll ring the CFMEU” said Neville “because I think they keep a record of this sort of thing”

“What were the main proposals in the budget in reply speech?” asked Cedric

“Stuffed if I can remember” replied Bert “I can certainly remember all the Hockey hogwash but the bloke who did the reply thing was about as memorable as elevator music”

“So why are they sending this Shorten guy to speak to us?” asked Marge

“He’s probably coming to recite the Party prompt sheet sent out by the spin doctors” said Bert “you know like Chris Bowen”

“Well look” said Connie “I think we should tell this Shorten guy to pass on the message to the Party leadership that it’s time they got their fingers out of their arses and came up with a few decent ideas”

“Quite right” said Neville “small business needs a 5% tax cut for a start”

“The Coalition’s idea of $100,000 degrees is an abomination” said Beryl “these days there are so many idiots around with degrees they’re obviously not worth tuppence”

“And it’s an absolute disgrace” said Neville “that the Abbott government is trying to stop women double dipping on paid parental leave even if they’ve had twins”

“We have to ask the question” said Bert “who in the Labor Party is standing up against these Abbott aberrations?”

“I haven’t heard anything from Kevin Gillard for months” said Marge

“Well” said Neville “it’s up to us to put this guy whoever he is straight on a few things. What did you say his name was?”

“Bill Shorten it says here” replied Bert

“I think we should phone the Party HQ” said Beryl ‘and ask them to send someone who carries a bit more weight”


About this Series
Bill Shorten suffers from a chronic inability to make an impression. People not only have problems remembering who he is but also remembering any of his ideas or in fact whether he’s ever had any. The only thing he’s ever remembered for is stabbing prime ministers which is of course the one thing he’d prefer that everyone forgot.

View all articles in the Shorten Forgettable Series
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