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Loud Reports from Tori Banger

Ins and Outs of the UK Referendum

Ins and Outs of the UK Referendum

Friday 27 May, 2016
Friday Mash’s seductive UK correspondent discusses whether leaving the EU would be the end of civilisation as the Poms know it or the rebirth of what they mistakenly used to think was civilisation.
The story starts here...

pillow slips

According to Boris Johnson the EU seeks to dominate Europe just like Hitler and all Brits on the continent should assemble on Dunkirk beach as soon as possible.

On the other hand Jeremy Corbyn sees continuing membership of the EU as the pathway to building Aleppo in England’s green and pleasant land.

The answer probably lies between the two because it’s hardly appropriate to resettle British refugees from the continent in a Syrian environment.

Whilst there have been many instances of the British getting into bed with continentals, and let’s face it I have not been entirely averse to the idea myself, the prospect of doing it on a national basis raises serious questions about our sexual sovereignty.

Throughout history Germany, France and Spain have made concerted attempts to rape, pillage and plunder at will in the UK. Having successfully fought them off it’s only logical that we should be cautious about their plans via Brussels to impose upon us rafts of regulations and refugees.

When Scotland are still muttering about leaving the UK yet are absolutely adamant that the UK should stay in the EU you begin to sense a modicum of hypocrisy. By saying they want to leave the UK yet stay in the EU they are placing themselves in exactly the same category as France, Germany and all the rest of them. There is a growing feeling in Whitehall that we should pre-emptively reassert our essential Englishness by declaring independence from Scotland and rebuilding Hadrian’s Wall.

David Cameron desperately wants the UK to remain in the EU because he also desperately wants to remain in Downing Street. Boris desperately wants us to leave because he believes it’s vital to UK sovereignty to reassert the decisive geopolitical role played throughout history by the English Channel.

Whatever the result of the referendum it is likely that the British will react with the same stoicism they have traditionally displayed in the face of Napoleon, Hitler, Berlusconi’s barrage of bunga bunga parties and the enormous increase in the cost of holiday accommodation on the Costa del Sol.

Keep calm and carry on not giving a continental.

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About this Series
This legendary UK correspondent has seduced her way into the bedrooms of political power. Her pillow peccadillos have given her a unique perspective on the affairs of state. Politicians find difficulty in concealing even their most private secrets from her because she features in most of them.

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