Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Inter-Planetary Pollution

Inter-Planetary Pollution

Friday 11 December, 2015
Bill comes up with a daring idea to transfer the greenhouse effect to Mars.
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Shorten Forgettable MastHead for FridayMash series on Bill Shorten satire

Albo picked up the phone in his Parliament House office to discover it was Bill phoning from the Paris Climate Summit.

“I’ve just had an absolutely jaw-dropping idea” announced Bill “and I wanted to bounce it off you before gob-smacking the Climate Summit with it”

“Don’t tell me’ said Albo “you’ve developed a plan to bring the temperature down by introducing a new world scale that only goes from 0 to 20 degrees”

“No” said Bill “but that’s obviously worth raising as well”

“It’s certainly more promising” said Albo ”than your last idea of solar powered lighting for coalmines”

“My brand new idea” said Bill proudly “is inter-planetary in its scope. The world could load its carbon emissions onto spacecraft and then transport them up to Mars”

“Bill” said Albo sternly “I’d always suspected that you’re off the planet but not quite this far. It would cost trillions to build enough massive spacecraft to make a difference”

“But the concept would be far more popular method of reducing carbon emissions” said Bill “than an ETS or a carbon tax”

“Tell me Bill” said Albo ‘how would you get the carbon emissions into the spacecraft?”

“Simple” replied Bill “they’d simply hover over major emitters like power stations until they’re full to maximum carbon capacity, then shoot off to Mars, unload up there and then return for another load. It would be hailed as the first inter-planetary garbage pick-up and disposal service”

“Aren’t you worried the operation could cause inter-planetary pollution?” asked Albo

“Mars is so big” replied Bill “that it would take centuries to create a greenhouse effect around it. And it would be a sure way to check whether there’s any life there because if there was they’d soon start complaining to the inter-planetary climate change authority about us using the joint for inter-planetary carbon dumping. What’s your overall assessment?”

“I can’t decide” replied Albo “whether it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard or centuries ahead of its time. As it’s one of your ideas I’m leaning towards the former”

“And don’t forget” said Bill “this is the last chance in my Year of Ideas to produce a real ball-tearer”

“I think on balance” said Albo analytically “I’d go with the new temperature scale idea because it’s a lot more down to earth”

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About this Series
Bill Shorten suffers from a chronic inability to make an impression. People not only have problems remembering who he is but also remembering any of his ideas or in fact whether he’s ever had any. The only thing he’s ever remembered for is stabbing prime ministers which is of course the one thing he’d prefer that everyone forgot.

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