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Leaks from Tony’s Journal

Is Joe Making a Concerted Bid to Oust Tony as the Coalition’s Leading Gaffe Generator?

Is Joe Making a Concerted Bid to Oust Tony as the Coalition’s Leading Gaffe Generator?

Friday 26 June, 2015
In this latest series of compelling leaks Tony hypothesises that with Joe as Treasurer Australia might be better off without an economy.
The story starts here...

Leaks from Tonys Journal

One morning last week Joe came into my office in a terrible lather.

“Look” he said “I think I’ve really screwed up again”

I must say that apart from the odd disastrous budget Joe is a pretty reliable sort of a bloke. Although come to think of it I have also noticed a growing tendency to come out with the sort of comment that instantly negates a post-budget jump in approval ratings.

“All right” I said apprehensively “what have you done this time?”

“I merely stated” replied Joe “that the best way to go about buying a house is to get a job with a good salary”

Thanks to a superhuman surge of self-control I managed to desist from chucking my prized portrait of Bob Menzies at him.

“Oh no” I moaned “you dumb-arsed dropkick. Don’t you realise this is still the age of entitlement. People resent being told they need money before they can buy a house. Your last bon mot about old people not driving cars was a papal parable compared to this”

“What do you want me to do?” asked Joe

“Whatever you do” I replied “do not repeat in public your politically incorrect comment to me about gay marriage being mono-sexual”

Because I’m becoming more discreet these days I didn’t mention his gaffe about the GST on tampons in case we got into a convoluted discussion about how long is a piece of string.

“I am worried about rumours that we’ve been making payments to people smugglers” said Joe “because I didn’t make any provision for them in the budget”

Sometimes I do wonder about Joe but it soon passes when I reflect that if he goes there is nobody else around I could appoint as Treasurer who would be happy to pursue my catholic pass-the-plate-round for the PM approach to running the economy.

I don’t know whether it’s become widely recognised as yet but I’ve recently allowed Peta to start coming out in public again.

She’s preparing to take on a critical anti-terrorism assignment. Anyone suspected by Peter Dutton of being a terrorist will get an immediate visit from Peta who will tear up their Aussie passport and issue them with a replacement from the Islamic State.


About this Series
Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia. However a confidential source in his office believes the journal is so politically explosive that it could go off before posterity happens so he’s decided to leak it exclusively to Friday Mash in the national interest.

View all articles in the Leaks from Tony’s Journal Series
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