It’s All The Rage
The Friday Mash Motoring Editor discusses the latest techniques for preventing outbreaks of road rage.
The question is how on earth do you control your overpowering urge to choke the living daylights out of some mindless motoring moron who commits a driving sin so dire it threatens not only your life and limb but also does horrendous damage to the car of your dreams?
You must not under any circumstances give in to road rage. Leaping from your car and bashing the absolute arsehole senseless doesn’t play well on the six o’clock news or in the courtroom.
Motorists who are prone to react with incandescent rage in such circumstances are advised keep a blow-up dummy in the car. It should be battered with absolute abandon if counting to ten doesn’t prove enough to quell the rage within caused by some dropkick driving dangerously.
Only when the last vestige of rage has subsided should you summon your reserves of self-control, leave your vehicle and politely enquire about the dropkick’s wellbeing.
Then it’s ok to counsel him or her about aspiring to higher motoring standards and recommend an appropriate driving school for a refresher course.
If the dropkick driver is female it is possibly more considerate to counsel her on the advisability of engaging a chauffeur.
In cases where considerable damage has been caused to your vehicle it’s also prudent to advise the motoring menace that you have already called the police to come and make an arrest and will be seeking a total reimbursement for the damage from his or her insurance company.
If it turns out that he or she isn’t insured, doesn’t seem keen on a driver refresher course or a chauffeur as the case may be and then claims it was all your fault then as a precautionary measure to prevent the delayed onset of road rage you should immediately return to your car and give the dummy another belting. If that doesn’t work an appearance on the six o’clock news and a day in court is probably inevitable.
If on the other hand your driving style makes it more likely that you will be the target of road rage rather the deliverer of it you should consider carrying a card announcing you as a minister of the church. This will lend authority to your post-crash sermonising about the power of forgive