Ivanka; Me and Dad Making America Grate Again
Ivanka has agreed to write exclusively for Friday Mash about her role as senior adviser to her Dad and why she is the only thing standing between him and an early return to The Apprentice and the Miss Universe Pageants.
At first I was bemused by my appointment as Dad’s adviser but then it hit me. Dad doesn’t take advice from anyone so he’d obviously decided it’s easier to ignore my advice than advice from a Harvard professor or his old groping buddies.
“Well” I thought to myself “is he in for a shock”
Last week I attended a meeting of Dad’s inner circle called to review progress on the Wall.
“Look Mr President” gushed Reince the administration’s senior sycophant “now that you’ve put Assad in his place by bombing his airbase it’s time we built the Wall to keep the Mexicans in their place”
“You wouldn’t believe the barrage of obstructionist bullshit I’m getting from Democrats, judges, Hispanics and CNN” fumed Dad “and now some pissants are telling me they can’t start building the Wall because they can’t find where the border is”
“I recommend we build it inside the our border” announced Steve “then we can arrest all the Hispanics who reach it because they’ve already entered the US illegally”
“I must say Steve” said Dad sarcastically “that’s a big improvement on your last idea of replacing the Wall with a minefield”
I looked round for Kellyanne but Dad said she was away at a witches’ convention in Salem.
“I’ve got an idea” I announced brightly
“Oh alright then” said Dad reluctantly “but don’t take too long”
“I believe we should promote this whole project” I announced decisively “as the Wall To Save South America. So many Hispanics are crossing the border into the US that the population of South America could soon be placed on the Worldwide Heritage List as an endangered species”
“I’ve heard worse ideas” conceded Dad
“In addition” I continued “we should integrate some Trump Casinos and a Disney Park into the Wall”
“But the whole point of the Wall” insisted Dad “is to keep Hispanics out”
“I know” I responded knowingly “so here’s the clever part. It would only be possible to enter and leave the casinos and the Disney thing on the Mexican side. So Mexico would pay for the Wall because it would be exclusively their citizens who would patronise its precincts and create profits”
“Tell me Ivanka” asked Dad “how much do I pay you to advise me?”
“Nothing” I replied
“Carry on like that” advised Dad “and you’ll soon be worth it’