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Jacqui’s Captain’s Picks for Tony

Jacqui’s Captain’s Picks for Tony

Friday 28 August, 2015
Jacqui and the Think Tank come up with a diabolically cunning plan to stuff the Abbott government through helping them recruit more women.
The story starts here...

Jacqui Lambie Think Tank masthead

Nazel Hare, Randy Mayle and Prof Penny Wise answered Jacqui’s summons to a Think Tank meeting at Glad’s Tea Rooms just outside Launceston on a promise of sampling Glad’s tasty turnip tart with great relish.

“Look” said Jacqui opening the meeting with a flourish “the Jacqui Lambie

Network urgently needs a policy to help the Coalition recruit the sort of female parliamentary candidates that would transform them from a sclerotic men’s club into a bisexual balls-up”

“That’s easy” said Randy “all we’ve got to do is show them how to recruit more candidates like you and Pauline Hanson

“I was thinking rather” said Jacqui “of the Sarah Hanson Young type because she knows how to rattle Tony’s cage”

“What Tony really deserves” said Nazel “is a misandrist faction in the Coalition”

“That probably wouldn’t work” said Jacqui “because misandrists hate men so logically they’d probably love Tony”

“The answer is” said Penny “lesbians who want to marry each other because in that case gay marriage would become Tony’s only way of achieving party unity”

“On the other hand” said Randy “we have to consider that recruiting a bunch of crazy females into the Coalition might bring about a marked improvement”

“That’s a very good point” said Jacqui “because any female would be preferable to a load of old women like Eric Abetz, George Brandis and Peter Dutton

“What we should do“ said Penny “is identify the core objective of this policy”

“Alright then” said Jacqui “if you insist. I am convinced that if we can come up with a sufficiently pathological policy to recruit women into the Coalition it would stuff the Labor Party as well thereby opening the way for the Jacqui Lambie Network to become the predominant political force in parliament”

“Well that would obviously stuff the country” said Nazel “but how would it stuff the Labor Party?”

“Because if the all the Coalition recruits were misandrists” said Jacqui “they’d also trash the Labor Party because it’s still got a majority of men and they’d support the Jacqui Lambie Network because we’re the only party in parliament that is one hundred percent women”

“If this leads to you becoming prime minister” asked Penny “would it also lead to a better Australia?”

“Well it might” replied Jacqui “although there probably wouldn’t be a lot left in the Treasury once I’d finished fixing up Tassie”


About this Series
Friday Mash has gained exclusive access to the intellectual powerhouse behind the Lambie political phenomenon. Jacqui has assembled a Think Tank comprising the best minds in Tasmania. Nazel Hare is Jacqui’s campaign manager and President of the Lambie for PM Movement, Randy Mayle is the leader of the Tasmanics a star-studded group of star studs and Professor Penny Wise is the Head of Business Studies at Burnie University. The Think Tank meets regularly at Glad’s Tea Rooms just outside Launceston and Friday Mash will bring you regular reports of their intellectual discourse.

View all articles in the The Lambie Think Tank Series
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