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Jacqui’s Last Stand

Jacqui’s Last Stand

Friday 18 March, 2016
Jacqui and the Think Tank come up with an inspired initiative to prevent Malcolm putting an end to her pain-in-the-arse politicking in the Senate.
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Nazel Hare, Randy Mayle and Prof. Penny Wise were summoned last week to another emergency Think Tank brain-strain at Glad’s Tea Rooms on a promise of Glad’s famous fish and chip dinners washed down by her house plonk from the Huon Valley.

“With immediate effect” declared Jacqui dramatically “I’m putting the Jacqui Lambie Network on a full-scale election footing”

“Please keep in mind” said Randy ‘that I’ve got a couple of dirty weekends coming up in April”

“There’s a good chance that Malcolm will call a double dissolution election for July second” said Jacqui “with the express intention of arse-kicking inspirational parliamentarians like the Brick With Eyes, Ricky Muir and me out of the Senate”

“Shame” cried Nazel “Canberra would never see your like again”

“That’s just the point” said Jacqui “it would be such a waste of my greatness and Clive’s election budget if all that’s left of my career is a book about the affair I’m supposed to have had with Abbott. For the sake of this great nation I have to find a way to cobble together enough votes to maintain my mindless pursuit of Malcolm

“You need to become more like Peta Credlin” said Penny

“I thought I already was” responded Jacqui

“You have to become a femme fatale” advised Penny “and manipulate powerful men into doing your bidding”

“Look” said Jacqui “I’m giving up sex to concentrate full time on politics”

“What we’re suggesting” said Randy “is that you give up politics to concentrate full-time on sex”

“How would I communicate that sort of re-emphasis in my policy portfolio during an election campaign?” asked Jacqui

“Through an emphasis on grass roots” replied Nazel

“It’s an interesting strategy” said Jacqui “but I have a feeling that only over-sexed men would vote for me”

“Then you’d be fine” said Randy “what other sort is there?”

“If you adopt the Credlin persona” said Nazel “you’d have to throw frequent wobblers and meltdowns”

“That would be useful” said Randy “because then you’d also attract a lot of people who usually vote for the Greens”


About this Series
Friday Mash has gained exclusive access to the intellectual powerhouse behind the Lambie political phenomenon. Jacqui has assembled a Think Tank comprising the best minds in Tasmania. Nazel Hare is Jacqui’s campaign manager and President of the Lambie for PM Movement, Randy Mayle is the leader of the Tasmanics a star-studded group of star studs and Professor Penny Wise is the Head of Business Studies at Burnie University. The Think Tank meets regularly at Glad’s Tea Rooms just outside Launceston and Friday Mash will bring you regular reports of their intellectual discourse.

View all articles in the The Lambie Think Tank Series
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