Abbott into Abbattman
Keeping the ABC Upright Rather Than Left Over
Tony Abbott was just considering whether to announce a Royal Commission into Q&A when the Abbattphone rang.
“Abbattoperations has just posted a mission to reorientate Mark Snott at the ABC” said Johnnie who was the psychological warfare specialist at Abbattapad HQ “In order for the ABC to faithfully deliver on its charter with balanced and impartial political commentary it desperately needs your guidance. Your mission is to ensure that Snott comes out equally on both the left and right sides”
Despite the fact there were already more inquiries into the ABC than into George Smell Tony was keenly aware of the unique power of Abbattman’s mind-bending manipulations. Besides Snott had gone so politically feral there seemed every chance he’d soon register the ABC as a union.
The Abbattmachine swung into well-oiled action. Abbattservicing delivered the Abbattbike meticulously tuned for the trip to Sydney. Tony donned the Abbattgear, ran through final mission checks, coordinated with Johnnie’s mission countdown then accelerated the Abbattbike up the Hume Highway to Sydney.
Following the Q&A kerfuffle Snott was half-expecting a visit from the people’s hero so it came as no surprise when the Abbattbike removed his office door and threatened the same to his desk.
“Oh hi Abbattman” said Snott “I take it you’re offering to replace Malcolm on the Q&A panel”
“I have come” said Abbattman “to save the ABC from becoming spin doctor central for the Labor Party”
“Not even you” said Snott “can prevent the inevitable”
“For a start” replied Abbattman “you should appoint Bronnie as host of Q&A instead of Tony so she could instantly strip Aussie citizenship from any member of the audience who applauds misogynistic terrorism sympathisers”
“I couldn’t do that” said Snott “by the time the show finished there would be no one left in the audience to ask questions”
“Next’ said Abbattman “you should lock away the Insiders in a secure place and never let them outside”
“I can’t appoint right-wingers to the ABC” said Snott “it’s against our culture.
We have a strict keep to the left rule here even for walking along corridors”
“You must appoint Peter Costello to do all the ABC financial commentary” said Abbattman “because your current commentators talk about the budget deficit without any acknowledgement that the ABC is one of the main causes of it”
“Look Abbattman” said Snott “what you have to understand is that if the ABC featured right-wing political commentators we’d lose most of our loony left-wing audience and we’d never be able to replace them with right-wing bigots who are devotees of 2GB and the Bolt Report”
“I’ll tell you what” said Abbattman “if you did a sequel to the Killing Season called the Serial Killer Season which traced the political career of Bill Shorten with Kevin doing the commentary they’d come flocking in droves”