Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Killing With Kindness

Killing With Kindness

Friday 17 June, 2016
Kerryman comes up with an inspirational strategy to damn Trump with Presidential praise.
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Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“Looks like Hillary has claimed the nomination” remarked Biden

“Now I’ve got no alternative” observed Obama “but to endorse her”

“Well what’s your problem?” asked Biden “Paul Ryan’s even been forced to endorse Trump”

“Most of my supporters” explained Obama “are rooting for Bernie and they’ll be really pissed if I endorse Hillary while Bernie’s still got his hat in the ring”

“But how the hell can Bernie possibly still win?” asked Biden

“With the help of the FBI” replied Obama “an indictment from them carries even more weight than an endorsement from me”

“Have you thought” asked Biden “what sort of position you and I would be in if Trump became President?”

“No not really” replied Obama “but now I’ve given it a bit of thought I’m absolutely terrified. We’d be destined for Mexico or Gitmo”

“That’s right” replied Biden “and your Presidential legacy would get lost among the Bushes”

“This is serious” announced Obama “what the hell can we do?”

“Beats me” said Biden helplessly “although perhaps we could consult with Kerryman”

“That’s like Wall St consulting Bernie about doubling profits” remarked Obama

“but I suppose desperate times call for genuine desperates”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was negotiating a hairlift of supplies into Syria.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama “if that chump Trump becomes President we’d all be up shit creek without a sewerage system and my Presidential legacy would go down in history a very long way”

“Relax” said Kerryman soothingly “I’ve got a plan”

“I know” said Obama “I should endorse Hillary”

“On the contrary” responded Kerryman “you should endorse Trump”

“With a mental disorder of that magnitude” asserted Obama “you should consult a psychiatrist”

“It makes absolute sense” insisted Kerryman “because every time anyone trashes Trump his poll numbers go up so it’s only logical that if you extolled his virtues his poll numbers would tank”

“He hasn’t got any” said Obama

“Sarah Palin is convinced he’s got loads of them” responded Kerryman “and besides you’re so unpopular that any candidate you endorse is going to suffer”

“But if I endorse Trump” asked Obama “and he still becomes President where would I stand?”

“Right behind Sarah Palin” replied Kerryman

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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