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Indiana Joe Crusades

The Kindest Cuts of All

The Kindest Cuts of All

Friday 9 January, 2015
Tony and Joe try desperately to come to terms with the reality that no one seems to give a rat’s arse about finding the Lost Surplus.
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Indiana Joe Hockey Crusades

‘The PM wants to see you’ said Miss Triss upon Joe’s return after his New Year break.

‘Oh damn’ said Joe ‘I was hoping to spend the day doing something useful’

‘I think he’s worried’ said Miss Triss ‘about the impact of the budget on his poll numbers’

‘Well whoopty-do’ exclaimed Joe ‘what about my bloody numbers. Even Jacqui Lambie is preferred as Treasurer to me. I’m the only one still focused on defying the Raiders and finding the Lost Surplus. Everyone else is more concerned about saving their own arses or rissoling me and Tony’

‘Relax Joe’ said Miss Triss ‘even if the 2015 budget is another disaster you’ve always got that offer from Gina to manage her petty cash’

‘Look here Joe’ said Tony as he and Joe settled down for another casual crisis meeting, ‘my poll numbers are in the toilet and it’s all because of your unfair budget’

‘You thought it was absolutely fair when I presented it last May’ retorted Joe ‘and most of the measures stuck in the Senate came from you’

‘Fair’s fair’ said Tony ‘you’re the Treasurer and you should take all the credit. Now what are the chances of getting the education policies passed in February?’

‘Well Jacqui might agree to them’ said Joe ‘if you give the armed forces a bigger pay increase and Clive might agree if you tell the Chinese he’s the sweetest most trustworthy human being you’ve ever met. The Brick with Eyes would only agree if he got concrete support’

‘What about doctor visit co-payments?’ asked Tony

‘I’d say we’d have more chance’ replied Joe ‘of persuading the ABC to become a phone sex centre’

‘I don’t know how those Labor ratbags have the gall to call the budget unfair’ said Tony ‘I’ll tell you what’s unfair, a pack of fiscal fatheads berating me for trying to fix their deficit addiction’

‘What did you think of my MYEFO?’ asked Joe

‘It went pretty well’ replied Tony ‘but I don’t think we can blame China for everything. It hasn’t worked that well for Clive’

‘I’ve just had a brilliant idea’ said Joe

‘Wait a bit’ said Tony ‘I’ll go and get my headache pills’

‘We can get the doctor visit co-payments, cuts to education and every entitlement you can think of passed by the Senate if we promise to recompense everybody in next May’s budget’

‘Brilliant’ said Tony ‘so where are we going to get the money to pay for all that?’

‘What you have to understand’ replied Joe ‘is that as long as we don’t cut anything or raise taxes nobody these days gives a fourpenny fart’

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About this Series
Joe has dedicated himself to finding the Holy Grail of the Lost Surplus despite the resolute efforts of Raiders to thwart him. His crusade to get his budget through the Senate is blocked by rampant Raiders like Bill, Christine and Clive but Joe will find a way even if it means doctors making co-payments to patients.

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