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The Pudding Club Pontifications

Labour Pains – SNP is really stuffing this election

Labour Pains – SNP is really stuffing this election

Friday 17 April, 2015
Pudding Club members consider the awful prospect of a Miliband prime ministership and what unacceptable behaviour they’d be prepared to undertake to prevent it.
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The Pudding Club section Friday

Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera lunched last week on the Chef recommended Coq au Vin and one of the most delectable Chablis Grand Cru 2009 they had ever reflected upon.

“The SNP is really stuffing this election” said His Lordship

“That’s an understatement” said the General “just our luck that those Scottish blighters didn’t vote for independence because it looks like they could be responsible for putting that meat-head Miliband into Downing Street”

“We’ve got to do something about the virgin Sturgeon” said His Lordship

“Well don’t look at me” said the General “she’s not my type”

“Look at it this way” said Sir Rah “if the SNP hadn’t butted in Labour would again be bagging most of the seats in Scotland and Miliband would be a shoe-in for PM. Thanks to the SNP David still has a fighting chance”

“By jove you’re right” said His Lordship “I hadn’t looked at it like that. We should be giving Nicola and Alex all the support we possibly can. If it meant terminating all possibility of Miliband becoming PM I’d even make the ultimate self-sacrifice and slum it in Glasgow for a weekend eating porridge, bloaties and haggis”

“I admire your indomitable spirit” said the General “it could even inspire me to help the cause by luring Nicola into a dirty weekend in Dundee”

“That’s all very noble of you chaps” said Sir Rah “but we have to face the fact that even extreme self-sacrifice is unlikely to change the outcome of this election and cruel the prospects of the mind-numbing Miliband becoming PM through a post-election agreement with the SNP”

“But surely if the SNP makes an arrangement with anybody” said His Lordship “it should be David. At least under him Scotland could gain independence from Brussels”

“I’m terribly disappointed with Nigel” said the General ‘it looks like UKIP will get less bums on seats than a celibacy seminar at a brothel”

“This is a desperate situation” said His Lordship “what the hell are we going to do? If Miliband and Balls get their hands on the economy we could soon be relying on food parcels from Greece”

“I believe” said Sir Rah “that we should be throwing our weight behind the Lib Dems. If they win as many seats in May as they did at the last election David and Nick could form another coalition government”

“I’m sorry” said the General “I’m prepared to sacrifice myself for Nicola but the Lib Dems are altogether too kinky for me”


About this Series
Located on the fashionable side of Pall Mall the Club is famous for counting some of the UK’s greatest political intellects among its members. Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera convene there regularly to create the brilliant insights which David relies on so much to keep the ship of state on course.

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