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Leaks from Tony’s Journal

Last Flight to Geelong

Last Flight to Geelong

Friday 31 July, 2015
These latest leaks from Tony’s Journal reveal his innermost thoughts about Bronnie and in particular his perspective on her mode of travel preferences between Melbourne and Geelong.
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Leaks from Tonys Journal

There is absolutely no-one I’d rather have as Speaker than Bronnie with the possible exception of Barnaby Joyce.

Bronnie is motivated by an absolute conviction that Parliament serves the people far more effectively when Labor politicians shut up and do what she tells them.

I made Bronnie my Captain’s Pick for Speaker because I knew that she wouldn’t need the assistance of a video referee to give Labor Party members their regular marching orders.

However not even I foresaw the incredible impact she would make. Over 400 Labor MP dismissals in 18 months represents a better strike-rate than Shane Warne. Some recalcitrants in the opposition have been suspended so many times I’m going to propose they’re paid on a part-time basis.

Before she went into politics Bronnie was on track for a stellar career in the Law. Labor MP’s should give thanks that she never became a judge. By now most of them would be serving time in Pentridge or Long Bay and the Greens would be confined to an offshore processing facility.

I have to admit however that despite her many endearing qualities Bronnie does have her peccadillos like doing mind-numbingly dumb-arsed things such as taking a $5000 helicopter trip when she could have travelled by bus on a senior citizen concession fare.

Unfortunately I’ve had to put her on probation and if she re-offends I’ll have no alternative but to sentence her to community service at the ABC with responsibility for selecting Q&A panels.

In her role as Speaker I’ve always found Bronnie to be absolutely fair and impartial. She is stoically unequivocal in her conviction that the contribution of Labor and the Greens to good government is of similar merit to the CFMEU’s contribution to the success of Work Choices.

I’ve just had a most disturbing thought. Now that I’ve banned Bronnie from travelling on anything except public transport I must search the Speaker’s office to ensure Peter Slipper didn’t leave behind any Cabcharge dockets because it would be an absolute disaster if Bronnie found them.

People are always asking me whether I really am Bronnie’s lovechild. That assertion is of course a flight of fancy in a similar category to the helicopter ride from Melbourne to Geelong.

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About this Series
Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia. However a confidential source in his office believes the journal is so politically explosive that it could go off before posterity happens so he’s decided to leak it exclusively to Friday Mash in the national interest.

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