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Leaks from Tony’s Journal

Law of the Jungle

Law of the Jungle

Friday 14 August, 2015
These latest compelling leaks from Tony’s Journal illustrate his intellectual struggle to decide whether Cecil the Lion was a greater loss then Bronnie.
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Leaks from Tonys Journal

I have been dwelling on the unfortunate fate of Cecil the Lion and its striking resemblance to the fate of Bronnie.

Politicians are stalked and hunted down just like the lions. Cecil got lured off the reservation and was shot down by an American dentist while Bronnie was lured into a helicopter flight and got shot down by the Labor Party; thank goodness it wasn’t the dentist.

This was Labor Party revenge pure and simple. Bronnie suspended their MP’s from the House over 400 times but still allowed them back in. But just like Cecil Bronnie’s suspension was permanent.

Bronnie was my Captains Pick as Speaker and we worked brilliantly as a partnership. I drove Labor MPs to the edge and she booted them over it.

Most members of the Labor Parliamentary Party are ex-union officials meaning their behavioural protocols were shaped during hand to hand combat in factional brawls, guerrilla warfare with bosses and faceless men training camps. Heaven knows what will happen in Parliament now there’s no longer Bronnie around to grant them parliamentary penitence.

I am astonished that people wonder why I took so long to disengage her. The truth is we shall never see her like again and so for old times sake I had to give her the chance to savour a final sentimental helicopter flight or two on entitlements.

I had a fascinating idea last week. “Why not” I thought “combine a referendum on aboriginal recognition with one on gay marriage?”

This strategy offers significant advantages not least because voters would be so confused that neither proposition would get up.

I am totally committed to recognising Aboriginal People in the Constitution. I am not inclined however to go as far as the Greens’ policy of restoring the national government that was in place when the First Fleet arrived.

Furthermore I am wholly supportive of a full and open debate on gay marriage as long as it doesn’t take place within the Coalition. I am only thankful gay marriage hasn’t already been legalised because goodness knows what extra parliamentary expenses Bronnie would have racked up attending all the ceremonies.

In weighing the impact of Cecil’s loss against that of Bronnie it occurred to me Cecil could have been even more efficient at suspending Labor MPs.

There is no doubt that the ABC and the Fairfax Press are harbouring a number of big-game hunters who regard me as an even bigger trophy than Cecil.

Meanwhile my security detail is keeping a strict watch on whether the Labor Party is trying to secure a temporary working visa for an American dentist.

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About this Series
Tony Abbott writes a regular journal to record for posterity his innermost thoughts about the momentous daily events and decisions that are shaping the very future of Australia. However a confidential source in his office believes the journal is so politically explosive that it could go off before posterity happens so he’s decided to leak it exclusively to Friday Mash in the national interest.

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