Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Leaving a Lot to be Desired

Leaving a Lot to be Desired

Friday 8 July, 2016
Kerryman comes up with a brilliant idea to solve the Brexit crisis which is somewhere in the corridor of uncertainty between Remaining and Leaving.
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Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“I’ve sent Kerryman over to Europe” announced Obama “to try and resolve this Brexit business”

“Do you think that’s wise?” queried Biden “After all I thought you solved everything on your recent trip over there. He’ll only go and stuff things up”

“Brexit is what happens when people refuse to take my advice” explained Obama “and things in the UK are in such a bugger’s muddle I don’t think even Kerryman could make them any worse”

“It seems strange” said Biden “that the only people who voted for Brexit were all in the UK”

“Interesting thought” said Obama pensively “but now I’m stuck with the situation of negotiating a trade deal with the EU and having to put our special UK buddies at the back of the queue”

“That’s ridiculous” remarked Biden “they’re the only ones over there who don’t speak in a foreign language. Talking to Merkel and Hollande about the EU is worse than trying to discuss politics with Trump”

“I know” said Obama sympathetically “the only thing we can do is call up Kerryman on Skype just to reassure ourselves that the UK isn’t about to go bust”

“Hi Kerryman” said Obama as a massive mop of hair filled his screen “does anybody have the slightest clue what they’re doing over there?”

“No-one besides me” responded Kerryman “I’ve managed to deter the EU from trying to govern the UK from Brussels because they hadn’t realised the UN could become quite concerned. But I’ve made good progress in persuading Scotland to Remain”

“If that happened” asked Obama “how would it affect England?”

“Actually they could find it very useful” replied Kerryman “because they wouldn’t have to cross the English Channel to reach the EU”

“I’d have thought” observed Obama “it would have pissed them off no end”

“On the contrary” asserted Kerryman “it seems that while they voted to Leave most of them really want to Remain so if Scotland stays in the EU they get a bob each way”

“But won’t there be a formal agreement” asked Obama “confirming that the whole of the UK has Left?”

“Of course” replied Kerryman “but you have to remember that whatever happens there’s no way that both the UK and the EU are going to get off Scot-free”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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