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Lowering Higher Education

Lowering Higher Education

Friday 27 March, 2015
The Think Tank grapples with the intriguing question of whether the future of higher education should be in the hands of politicians who have never had any.
The story starts here...

Jacqui Lambie Think Tank masthead

Jacqui urgently summoned Think Tank members Nazel Hare, Randy Mayle and Prof Penny Wise to a meeting last week at Glad’s Tea Rooms just outside Launceston in order to finalise her higher education policy prior to the Senate vote.

“Just think where I could have been today” said Jacqui “if I’d been able to afford a university education”

“I think you’d have a masters in grievous bodily harm” said Randy “and be the head of a building union”

“Well I think everyone should go to university for nothing” said Jacqui

“I agree” said Nazel “it’s an absolute disgrace that Abbott wants to introduce $100,000 degrees even for students who merely aspire to go to university to get a bit of sex education”

“Let’s think about this” said Penny “universities want deregulation and the freedom to set their own fees because that’s the only way they can hope to attain world-class academic and research standards”

“That’s bullshit” said Jacqui ‘what’s the good of world-class standards if sod-all students can afford the courses?”

“You do crap on Jacqui” said Randy ‘they get the money from the government and then pay it back when they start to earn. Doing it your way means they get diabolical degrees and only become qualified to earn entitlements”

“Randy could be right” said Penny “there’s only a few people like you Jacqui who can achieve academic excellence without the benefit of quality tertiary education”

“Look at that wanker Pyne” said Nazel “he’s got a degree but it’s useless without a brain transplant’

“What Pyne needs” snapped Jacqui “is the third degree”

“My recommendation’ said Penny “is that you support deregulation for tertiary courses like medicine and the law but retain the current system for non-academic courses like brothel management and politics”

“I think it’s essential everyone can study what they want” said Randy “I wanted to graduate in gigolo studies that found I didn’t have enough money or libido”

“If everyone was entitled to a free university course” said Nazel “there would be more people just like Jacqui”

“The best way to achieve that” said Randy “is a year or two at reform school”

“So Jacqui what are the vital academic considerations” asked Penny “that you intend to apply to the Senate vote on higher education reform”

“I’m not going to support a sodding thing’ said Jacqui “proposed by those arseholes Abbott and Pyne”

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About this Series
Friday Mash has gained exclusive access to the intellectual powerhouse behind the Lambie political phenomenon. Jacqui has assembled a Think Tank comprising the best minds in Tasmania. Nazel Hare is Jacqui’s campaign manager and President of the Lambie for PM Movement, Randy Mayle is the leader of the Tasmanics a star-studded group of star studs and Professor Penny Wise is the Head of Business Studies at Burnie University. The Think Tank meets regularly at Glad’s Tea Rooms just outside Launceston and Friday Mash will bring you regular reports of their intellectual discourse.

View all articles in the The Lambie Think Tank Series
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