The Oracle Of Omniscience comes up with a brilliant initiative to assuage the grief of Abbott supporters.
Lucy and Malcolm discuss how much more progressive their lives could become without Tony.
“Well dear” said Lucy affectionately as they enjoyed afternoon tea at The Lodge “are you on the whole happy with your first year as PM?”
“Well of course” responded Malcolm “I’ve won an election, I’ve become the world’s leading authority on refugees, I’ve made Shorten and Dastyari look like the beneficiaries of a Chinese foreign aid programme and I’ve kept Tony on the backbench”
“I know darling” cooed Lucy “you’ve been absolutely marvellous but why do you think so many commentators are getting up you for lack of leadership?”
“Possibly because I’ve concentrated on other things” explained Malcolm “the right wing of the party expected me to lead it like Tony and the left wing expected me to lead it like I’d promised and of course I did neither because both would have led to unmitigated disaster”
“But not many in the party” pointed out Lucy “seem to be following your lead”
“The problem is” explained Malcolm “there are still quite a few Coalition MPs who think the light shines out of Tony’s budgie smugglers and if I dumped all his old policies it could cause them to dream the impossible dream of him making a PM comeback”
“But darling” protested Lucy “you can’t deny your politically progressive destiny for much longer”
“But I have to keep a sense of perspective” asserted Malcolm “for example I could never go as far as becoming a member of the Labor Party because it would mean doing unspeakable things like fraternising with faceless men and joining a union”
“How absolutely awful” gasped Lucy
“So now I’m pursuing a policy direction” confirmed Malcolm “which seamlessly interposes my social democracy with Tony’s anti-social hypocrisy”
“But surely dearest that’s no bad thing” suggested Lucy “with a one seat majority it’s only logical that you have to become compromised”
“Hold on a minute” asserted Malcolm “I’m not as compromised as Julia was when she over-taxed things with Bob Brown”
“So what do you see as the circuit-breaker” asked Lucy “that will open up the way for you to lead Australia to a prosperous future in your own inimitable style?”
“I’m going to arrange for Cory Bernardi, George Christensen, Eric Abetz, Kevin Andrews and Tony” explained Malcolm “to take an unauthorised helicopter flight to a party fundraiser”