Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Dick Head Interviews

Making America Grate Again

Making America Grate Again

Friday 5 August, 2016
Dick Head, Friday Mash’s celebrated Canberra correspondent, recently demonstrated exceptional valour in making a fleeting visit to the US to interview Donald Trump. Here is his exclusive account of their landmark discussion.
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Dick Head Reports on FridayMash

The Dick Head Interview
With Donald Trump

“Hi Don” began Dick “thank you…”

“Who the hell are you?” inquired Trump

“I’m Dick Head” confirmed Dick “and I’m here to interview you for an article in a major publication in Australia”

“Well you’re fired” announced Trump

“But I don’t work for you” protested Dick

“I’m not surprised” said Trump “because I don’t employ illegal immigrants. How the hell did you get into the country?”

“I flew in on Qantas” replied Dick

“That’s obviously another loophole I’ve got to seal off” announced Trump

“What did you think of Ted Cruz’s speech at the Convention?” asked Dick

“Almost as good as mine” replied Trump ‘because it made people realise how fortunate they are to have me as the Republican candidate for President rather than a sore-arsed loser like him”

“What is the key element in your plan” asked Dick “to make America Great Again?”

“There are two key elements” replied Trump “the first is obviously having me as President and the second is sending China’s economy so far down the tubes that it won’t even be possible to recycle it as fertiliser”

“How sure are you” asked Dick “of defeating Hillary for the Presidency?”

“As sure as I am” replied Trump “that your arse points to the ground even when you’re standing upside down in Australia”

“But she’s put a crack in the glass ceiling” pointed out Dick

“Yes but she’ll never poke any holes in my wall” claimed Trump

“You’ve had a remarkable run in the primaries” commented Dick “to what do you attribute this stunning success?”

“I was mainly up against politicians” replied Trump “and how could anyone seriously vote for someone like Jeb?”

“Your immigration policies obviously had a marked impact” remarked Dick

“That was because” replied Trump “I cleverly linked them to my racist and xenophobic policies”

“What will be the essence” asked Dick “of your final push to the White House?”

“I’m planning to work with Putin on a Crooked Hillary campaign” replied Trump

“we’re going to release all the top secret emails he hacked from her computer.

Where did you say you came from?”

“Australia” replied Dick

“Please give my regards to Pauline Hanson” said Trump

Comments

About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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