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Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Making Foreign Affairs for Obama as Easy as ABC

Making Foreign Affairs for Obama as Easy as ABC

Friday 16 January, 2015
This is a fascinating account of Kerryman’s bid to simplify US foreign affairs through planning them alphabetically.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash
‘Listen Joe’ said Obama ‘I’m very confused about our current international policies’

‘I wouldn’t worry about it’ said Biden ‘that was one of George W Bush’s best loved characteristics’

‘But I worry about things’ said Obama ‘like are we bombing the wrong countries and are the heads of state I’m inviting over for White House receptions actually terrorists?’

‘One of the advantages of being the most powerful country in the world’ said Biden ‘is that those sort of things don’t matter all that much’

‘But I’m in a real quandary over Iran’ said Obama ‘they’re opposed to our Israel policy, they’re behaving like douchebags over nuclear weapons yet they appear to be on our side against ISIS, ISIL or whatever the hell they’re called’

‘The Saudis have got me beat’ said Biden ‘they’re cutting their oil prices to screw our shale oil business and they’re funding ISIL, IS or Iceland or whoever and yet they’re supposed to be our big buddies in the Middle East’

‘And Russia’s against us on Assad, Ukraine and Snowden’ said Obama ‘and yet I find myself agreeing with them on Cuba’

‘I think Kerryman’s got a lot to answer for’ said Biden ‘after all it’s his job to make sense of all this’

‘You’re right’ said Obama ‘let’s get the itinerant idiot in here. He needs his wings clipped as much as his hair’

When he was contacted by the White House Kerryman was having a bazaar haircut in Baghdad. It had to be completed on the hairoplane flight back to Washington.

‘Now look Kerryman’ said Obama as his Foreign Secretary entered the Oval Office ‘our foreign policy portfolio is in such a mess that Joe and I have been forced to stop thinking about it in case we suffer brain breakdown’

‘You’ll be delighted to hear’ said Kerryman ‘that I have created a new approach to foreign affairs of such brilliant simplicity that doubt and confusion will reign no more’

‘Don’t tell me you’ve decided to resign’ said Obama

‘Never’ cried Kerryman ‘because behind every lame-duck president there has to be someone like me who’s a crutch. My breathtakingly brilliant foolproof policy is that the US is hostile to all countries whose name begins with ‘I’’

‘What about Egypt?’ asked Biden

‘I’ll need to give that further thought’ replied Kerryman ‘but it certainly applies to IS, Iran, ISIL, Islamabad, ISIS, Ireland, the Isle of Man and Iraq. What can be simpler than that?’

‘What about India and Israel?’ asked Biden

‘They’ll have to change their spelling’ said Kerryman ‘to start with a ‘Y’’

‘Well that certainly makes things easier’ said Obama ‘even Joe should be able to cope with that’

‘What about Italy?’ asked Biden

‘There you go again Joe’ said Obama ‘trying to over-complicate things’


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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