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Bill’s Angels Activations

Malcolm in the Middle of it All

Malcolm in the Middle of it All

Friday 13 February, 2015
Read how the Angels go on an activation to persuade Malcolm to challenge Tony but find he’s susceptible only to begging and pleading from his own party.
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Bills Angels on Friday Mash

The atmosphere was electric as the Angels gathered for their first skype briefing of the year from Bill. In the frenzied atmosphere of Coalition fomentation they sensed this activation could bring on another spill motion.

‘Good morning Angels’ said Bill ‘you are about to undertake an activation that could totally coagulate the Coalition. You are tasked with persuading Malcolm to challenge Tony for the Lodge. Were he to be successful he would introduce an ETS which would save me the trouble, cause carbon emissions in the Coalition and force Tony to slink away to his Manly cycling mates to peddle some malevolent muck about Malcolm’

Tanya, Penny and Kate were absolutely thrilled with this activation. It was both a chance to annihilate Abbott and promote a silvertail who would cause considerable angst amongst the furry tails in the Nats.

After a bit of concentrated conferring they popped round to Malcolm’s office.

‘Greetings Angels’ said Malcolm ‘you should come over to our side because it’s impossible to stay close to heaven while working with Albo and Bill’

‘We have come on a secret activation to help you become PM’ said Tanya

‘Shall I call Tony in?’ asked Malcolm ‘I’m sure he’d be interested’

‘We’re here because of our conviction’ said Penny ‘that you’re the man who can lead the government out of its current chaos and furthermore if you take up the challenge against Tony we’ll guarantee the backing of the Labor Party’

‘Oh great’ said Malcolm ‘although that does raise one or two compelling issues. Anyone perceived as having the backing of the Labor Party would have buckley’s of mounting a successful challenge against Tony and there’s the not insignificant issue that such an action would require the moral turpitude of Julia and I’ve no intention of asking her for it’

‘But greatness is within your grasp’ said Kate ‘you know deep down that Tony is terminally stuffed and you could rise up to save the country, the Coalition and the ETS’

‘Look girls’ said Malcolm ‘I don’t know what you think of Tony…’

‘We think he’s a meretricious maggot’ said Tanya ‘and that’s on a good day’

‘Quite so’ said Malcolm ‘but I’ve given the matter a lot of thought and decided not to pursue the seriously sleazy system of Labor succession planning as practised by Julia, Kevin and the NSW party’’

‘Is there nothing we can say’ asked Penny ‘to prevail upon you to seize the day?’

‘Nothing whatsoever’ replied Malcolm ‘but you might like to keep the faceless men on standby just in case’

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About this Series
Tanya Plibersek, Penny Wong and Kate Ellis are the tempestuous trio who comprise Bill’s Angels. No activation is too daunting for these glamourous guardians of goodness as they respond to Bill’s demands to root out any right-wing ratbag with the gall to mess with working families.

View all articles in the Bill’s Angels Activations Series
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