Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Man of Inaction

Man of Inaction

Friday 27 November, 2015
Kerryman comes up with a brilliant strategy to ensure that the Middle East benefits more from Obama doing nothing than something.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“So how would you say the Middle East peace process is going?” asked Obama

“Pretty well” replied Biden “if you ignore Islamic State”

“I’ve been trying to” said Obama “but finding it very difficult. I’m almost yearning for the good old days of Al Qaeda and the Taliban”

“This Paris business” said Biden “is almost impossible for us to ignore. We might even be forced into doing something drastic”

“Jeez” exclaimed Obama “you surely can’t mean boots on the ground”

“I haven’t got the slightest idea what I mean” responded Biden “but if we don’t do something soon we’ll start facing terrorist attacks from Trump”

“How do you think ISIL would react” asked Obama “if I made it clear I was totally ignoring them?”

“They’d take over the White House” replied Biden “and convert it into a mosque”

“It looks like I’m left with no alternative but to take action” said Obama “Should I call in Arnie for advice?”

“Republicans tend to be over aggressive in situations like this” responded Biden “let’s see if Kerryman’s got any ideas”

“Are we really that desperate?” queried Obama

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was experiencing some of the hairiest moments of his diplomatic career because since Paris happened he hadn’t had time for a haircut in over five days.

However during the trip home on the Hairoplane he took the opportunity to become much less hirsute en route.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama “what’s all this business with Paris and ISIL, should I put boots on the ground?”

“No” replied Kerryman “I’d definitely leave that option up in the air. You’re much more of a peaceful solution kind of a guy. What you should do is invite Assad over for talks”

“Have you gone ballistically bonkers?” demanded Obama “he’s a bigger monster than Dick Cheney”

“All you need do” counselled Kerryman “is take him up to Camp David for a cosy chat, convince him you’re a better buddie of his than Putin and set him up with a million dollar ophthalmic practise in Manhattan”

“Then what?” demanded Obama

“Then you tell Putin it’s ok to replace Assad in Syria with one of his mates” replied Kerryman “provided he’s prepared to wipe out ISIL”

“Brilliant thinking” said Obama ‘but won’t that give Putin more influence in the Middle East than me?”

“Of course” replied Kerryman “but that means he’d have to start sharing the blame with you”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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