Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

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Mates Rates

Friday 6 May, 2016
Kerryman briefs Obama on the optimum type of running mate for Hillary and in which psychiatric institutions such a candidate is likely to be found.
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Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“I see Cruz has nominated Carly Fiorina as his running mate” commented Obama

“Do you think that will help?” asked Biden

“Well” responded Obama thoughtfully “I suppose if you’re a Cuban-Texan- Tea Party-pain- in-the- ass- evangelist-Republican most things would be an improvement except perhaps Sarah Palin

“Who do you think Trump will choose as his running mate?” asked Biden

“R2D2” replied Obama “but only if he has total control”

“What about Hillary” asked Biden

“I’ve always thought it would be Bill” replied Obama “but he might insist on being part of a Presidential partnership”

“The way things are going” asserted Biden “Hillary could be the first President out on parole under the supervision of the FBI”

“Look” said Obama “I think we should consult Kerryman about the running mate question before it all gets out of hand and Bernie nominates Edward Snowden

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was as usual in a very hairy situation because trying to persuade all parties to maintain a cease-fire in Syria was like convincing the NRA they should trade in their guns for water pistols.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama when he fronted “I want to talk to you about the vice-Presidency”

“Why” asked Kerryman “has Joe been stuffing up?”

“No more than usual” replied Obama “but now that Cruz has appointed Carly as his running mate we need to consider whether Hillary and Bernie should follow suit and if so who should they choose?”

“Well I’m obviously the right choice for Hillary” replied Kerryman “and we should ask Putin whether he has any suggestions for Bernie”

“Why the hell would you be the best choice for Hillary” asked Obama

“Because I’d provide the right balance for her” replied Kerryman “I’m a man, I’m not married to Bill and during my term as Secretary of State I’ve avoided problems in Benghazi and never used my private computer system to communicate state secrets”

“Good thinking” commented Obama “but if I ask for Putin’s advice on behalf of Bernie won’t he nominate Edward Snowden?”

“Probably” replied Kerryman “but Bernie is likely to choose him anyway and it could be a way to stop him leaking”

“I’ll talk to Hillary and Bernie this afternoon” said Obama “but do you really think you and Hillary would make a great team?”

“Probably not” replied Kerryman “but you can’t have two women in the White House and I’m the best man Hillary’s ever likely to get”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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