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Meandering Under Malcolm

Meandering Under Malcolm

Friday 23 October, 2015
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in the House of Representatives when Tony and Joe sat down together on the backbench for the first time. Here is his exclusive account of their confidential discussion.
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Guy the FridayMash Superfly

“Mate this feels a bit strange” said Joe “It’s like we’ve paid for seats in the orchestra stalls and ended up in the gallery”

“Look” said Tony “now that Malcolm’s in charge of the box office we’re lucky we didn’t end up on seats in the gentlemen’s convenience”

“Malcolm’s certainly got a smoother style than you” said Joe “but I’m worried that he’s not following through on things like Team Australia and the Death Cult”

“I know” said Tony “Malcolm tries to make out he’s more consultative but that’s no damn good if you consult all the wrong people”

“It was particularly vindictive of Malcolm to dump Kevin Andrews” asserted Joe

“I thought he was every bit as good as the Wallabies in Defence. What’s your next move Tony?”

“Well I promised not to say or do anything to prejudice good government” replied Tony “so that’s irrelevant while Malcolm’s in charge”

“Are you planning a comeback?” asked Joe

“Of course” replied Tony “it won’t take much of Malcolm to show what a huge mistake it was to dump me. I’m already putting together a new faceless men Death Cult trained by Bronnie to implement the prime-ministerial pole-axing tactics pioneered by Bill Shorten. What about you?”

“Well Malcolm’s been sort of dangling before me the ambassadorial gig in Washington” replied Joe “because Kim seems to be struggling with the lunch and cocktail party budget”

“That’s a brilliant opportunity for you” said Tony “because your proud record as a Treasurer, luncher and cocktail party organiser proves you’ve never allowed budgetary blow-outs to stand in your way”

“Have you spoken to Bronnie recently?” asked Joe

“She’s still got the shits with me” replied Tony “because I told her that people might forgive her for the helicopter ride if she started travelling everywhere by bus”

“Can you imagine Bronnie ever taking a bus?” asked Joe

“Only if she’d been invited on it by the Royal Family” replied Tony

“You know something” said Joe thoughtfully “I actually think your best Captain’s Pick was making Bronnie the Speaker”

“You could be right” said Tony “she exceeded the target I gave her for booting out Labor MPs by over one hundred percent”

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About this Series
Having stuck with a fly paper for many years Guy has become a celebrated political reporter through his unique ability to locate himself on the walls the prominent and powerful and listen in to their conversations. He is always careful to take with him a fly-spray early warning detector.

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