Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Memories Aren’t Made of Bill

Memories Aren’t Made of Bill

Friday 10 July, 2015
Labor Party spin doctors desperately try to create an impression of Bill that survives for longer than ten minutes.
The story starts here...

Shorten Forgettable MastHead for FridayMash series on Bill Shorten satire

“It’s encouraging that people are starting to remember things about Bill” said Bruce

“Bill who?” asked Gary

“You know” replied Bruce “Shorten”

“Oh him” exclaimed Gary “I thought the strategy was to ensure that people forget about him as much as possible”

“That’s true” responded Bruce “but I sense that people are starting to remember some of his good points”

“Like what?” asked Gary

“Like lying about his support for Kevin when he was about to knife Julia” replied Bruce

“What’s good about that?” asked Gary

“He showed exquisite political judgement by not announcing in public that he was actually supporting Kevin” replied Bruce “while he was still proclaiming his undying loyalty to Julia”

“There’s a danger” said Gary “that people will remember what a stuff-up he made over pension policy. It was the first time in history that anyone has succeeded in making the Greens look like economic rationalists”

“On the contrary” said Bruce “that was a nuanced strategic move on our part to promote the impression that Abbott had adopted a Greens’ economic policy”

“You have to admit” said Gary “it would have been more prudent if Bill had remembered that Labor paid people smugglers as well”

“I know” said Bruce “that was an unfortunate outcome of our strategic philosophy that if we could influence Bill not to remember the things in his past that are best forgotten it would help everyone else forget them as well”

“Bill’s appearance at the Royal Commission will be a major problem” said Gary

“How the hell are we going to spin that? It’s going to leave the impression that when he was secretary of the AWU he ran it like a management consultancy”

“I’m developing the rationale that he was the model of morality who cleansed the AWU from the mess left by Julia and Bruce Wilson” said Bruce

“Isn’t it time we spun some new policies” asked Gary “like an ETS and the abolition of Operation Sovereign Borders?”

“Don’t remind me” replied Bruce “Just when we’ve finally succeeded in making the electorate forget about those issues along comes the Labor Party Conference which will make them all remember”

“It’s going to be a very timely reminder for the Party however’ said Gary ‘about who is the leader of the Labor Party”


About this Series
Bill Shorten suffers from a chronic inability to make an impression. People not only have problems remembering who he is but also remembering any of his ideas or in fact whether he’s ever had any. The only thing he’s ever remembered for is stabbing prime ministers which is of course the one thing he’d prefer that everyone forgot.

View all articles in the Shorten Forgettable Series
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