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Dick Head Interviews

Memories of Malcolm

Memories of Malcolm

Friday 20 November, 2015
In his new ‘These you have loved’ series of interviews Dick Head discusses with Kevin the rise of Malcolm and whether it was entirely his fault.
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Dick Head Reports on FridayMash

‘Hi Kev” said Dick “what’s your perspective on the current political situation in Australia?”

‘Frankly Dick” replied Kevin “as I look around I can’t help feeling what a waste of world class statesmanship it was for Australia when my brilliant career as prime minister was so tragically truncated”

“Does that imply that Malcolm’s not up to the job?” asked Dick

“He’s certainly up to the sort of job he’s doing” replied Kevin “but can never aspire to my programmic prime ministerial systemicness”

“Looking back” mused Dick “why do you believe you were axed first by your party and then the electorate?”

“Do you know Dick” replied Kevin thoughtfully “I’ve pondered that question interminably. I can only put it down to my intellectual capacity being so far ahead of everyone else’s that I was inevitably moved to refer to them all as anally-retentive arsewipes”

“There must be some aspects of Malcolm’s style and policies that you appreciate” suggested Dick

“I must say” admitted Kevin “that there are aspects of Malcolm’s job performance which I’m prepared to shit-can less than others. He obviously learned a lot from me”

“Such as?” asked Dick

“Well of course’ replied Kevin “Malcolm had never heard of an ETS until I came along and he’s obviously re-modelled his whole image largely on me. Just like him I was once loathed by elements in my own party but loved by the public and I’ve no doubt he will follow my example and end up being loathed by both of them”

“Now Kev” asked Dick ‘what are your aspirations for the future?”

“Well to be absolutely candid” replied Kevin “I believe that my ultimate destiny is a position which is yet to be created, President of The Global Emissions Trading Scheme”

“If there was one piece of advice you’d like to pass on to Malcolm“ asked Dick “what would it be?”

“I would strongly urge him” replied Kevin “to follow my enviable political career as closely as possible and ensure that having first been fired by his party he should allow the electorate also to experience the ultimate fulfilment of firing him as soon as possible”

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About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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