Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

National Boredband Network

National Boredband Network

Friday 10 April, 2015
Read all about how Jacqui’s new political movement was born and how Clive strenuously denied that he’s the father.
The story starts here...

Jacqui Lambie Think Tank masthead

Last week Jacqui summoned Think Tank members Nazel Hare, Randy Mayle and Prof. Penny Wise to an emergency meeting at Glad’s Tea Rooms which were opened specially by Glad.
“I’m going to launch my own political thing” announced Jacqui
“Do you mean a party?” asked Nazel
“No” replied Jacqui “Clive tried that and it turned out to be a circus”
“You’re absolutely right” said Randy “no-one could stand being in the same political party as either you or Clive for very long. You’re both more suited to one night stands than marriage”
“I was thinking of calling it the Jacqui Lambie Network” said Jacqui
“Well if it’s anything like the National Broadband Network” said Randy “it will be laid down a trench and buried”
“Are you planning to have any policies?” asked Penny
“First of all” replied Jackie “I believe half the seats in Federal Parliament should be reserved for members of the Armed Forces, Aborigines and Tasmanians”
“Well that sounds reasonable” said Nazel “they couldn’t be any worse than the current lot. If you reserve the other half for women and anyone anti-Abbott you’ll go down in history for restoring true democracy to the place”
“I think you should ban all celibate people from Parliament” said Randy “we haven’t had a decent political sex scandal in years and people are beginning to lose interest”
“Will you be proposing economic policies to get the budget back into surplus?” asked Penny
“Only in Tasmania” replied Jacqui “because I believe all Australia’s foreign aid should be redirected here. And what’s more I’m going to insist that it’s a waste of time for anyone in Tassie to pay GST when my policy is to send it all back here anyway”
“Could I become a parliamentary candidate for your network?” asked Randy
“The JLN will provide a pathway for ordinary Australians to get into politics” said Jacqui “extraordinary wankers like you can get in by joining the Greens”
“This could mean you will soon be prime minister” said Nazel
“What you have to remember” said Jacqui ‘is that while that may be the divine intervention that the country so desperately needs there’s a strong arsehole factor dedicated to preventing it ever happening”
“Are there any weaknesses in your plan” asked Penny “that we should consider?”
“There’s obviously one” replied Randy ‘it will mean more people like Jacqui can get into parliament”

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About this Series
Friday Mash has gained exclusive access to the intellectual powerhouse behind the Lambie political phenomenon. Jacqui has assembled a Think Tank comprising the best minds in Tasmania. Nazel Hare is Jacqui’s campaign manager and President of the Lambie for PM Movement, Randy Mayle is the leader of the Tasmanics a star-studded group of star studs and Professor Penny Wise is the Head of Business Studies at Burnie University. The Think Tank meets regularly at Glad’s Tea Rooms just outside Launceston and Friday Mash will bring you regular reports of their intellectual discourse.

View all articles in the The Lambie Think Tank Series
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