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Nicking Off

Nicking Off

Friday 3 November, 2017
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall at a meeting of the SA Best Party when Nick Xenophon discussed strategies for the upcoming state election. He has just sent in this report on a roll of flypaper.
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Guy the FridayMash Superfly

Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall at a meeting of the SA Best Party when Nick Xenophon discussed strategies for the upcoming state election. He has just sent in this report on a roll of flypaper.

“Tell me Nick” demanded Beryl, a leading party candidate “are you going to continue with your role as the leading political nuisance in Canberra or are you now going to concentrate solely on South Australia?”

“Thank you for raising such an important question” responded Nick “I shall be concentrating mainly on becoming the dominant political nuisance in South Australia which won’t be easy because there’s so much competition. However I have proved to be of such inestimable worth to the country in my Canberra role I shall also strive to maintain a pain-in-the-arse profile there at least on a level that competes with Jacqui Lambie”

“Are you aiming to become SA Premier?” asked Cyril a very average party candidate

“I’ve pondered that question a good deal” Nick assured him “and I’ve finally reached the conclusion that my special talent for causing delay, frustration and confusion is probably better suited to preventing things happening rather than actually trying to do something positive myself”

“That’s fascinating Nick” exclaimed Beryl “how on earth did you reach that conclusion?”

“Over the years I’ve found it much more productive and fulfilling to shitcan other people’s policies” revealed Nick “rather than go to all the trouble of dredging up my own only to have others crap all over them”

“Does that mean you see yourself as an opposition leader?” suggested Cyril

“No way” affirmed Nick “I’d be forced to produce policies that have no chance of being implemented, lack credibility and are simply cannon fodder for the government”

“So then what exactly is the future role of SA Best?” asked Beryl

“I see my mission in politics” said Nick dramatically “as the creation of a political force far beyond the nuisance value of Trump or Abbott. I envision a worldwide political phenomenon that holds the balance of power in parliaments the world over. No government will be in a position to pass any legislation that hasn’t been dissected, completely compromised and stuffed around by me first”

“Does that mean that all future elections will turn out like the latest one in NZ?” asked Cyril “where no one gets the government they voted for and the country is run by losers like us?”

“Actually the prospects for my vision are even better than that” claimed Nick “because it means no matter who people vote for to run the government anywhere they’ll end up getting me”

 

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About this Series
Having stuck with a fly paper for many years Guy has become a celebrated political reporter through his unique ability to locate himself on the walls the prominent and powerful and listen in to their conversations. He is always careful to take with him a fly-spray early warning detector.

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