Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

The Oracle Of Omniscience comes up with a brilliant initiative to assuage the grief of Abbott supporters.

Not So Great Expectations

Not So Great Expectations

Friday 11 March, 2016
Malcolm helps Clive see his way forward to a much smaller future without the help of Jenny Craig.
The story starts here...

Dial Triple O for Malcolm the Oracle

“I can’t believe it” said Clive “here I am a deadset Australian National Treasure and all I ever get is shit-canned”

“I know” said his faithful retainer Dio

“I’m not interested in your braindead opinions” said Clive “It’s incredible that the government, the Murdoch Press and even that namby-pamby woman I plucked from obscurity in Tassie and made into a national celebrity all spend so much time impugning my undoubted integrity”

“I agree” said Dio

“Shut up” said Clive “It’s ironic that a majestic Queensland macadamia like me should be shelled by such a pack of pathetic peanuts”

“No comment” said Dio

“That’s your bloody problem” said Clive “you lack the motivation to think for yourself. My polling is disastrous, my businesses are tanking, everybody is chasing me for money, I’m up shit-creek without a sewerage system and you haven’t got the slightest bloody clue what I should do about it”

“Well” said Dio cautiously “you could dial Triple O for Malcolm the Oracle of Omniscience”

“I could also have a brain bypass” said Clive “and go on a bog-trotting weekend in Brisbane”

“Well” responded Dio “he stopped Tony making a mess of things so he could probably do the same for you”

Not half an hour later Malcolm swept in to Clive’s office in Parliament House.

“Oh there you are at last” said Clive “Dio here thinks you may be able to help but I’m afraid it’s more likely to be his twenty-eighth dud idea in succession”

“Twenty-fifth actually” said Dio

“My businesses are going bust, my hotel’s shut down and things are so desperate I’m even selling off all my executive jets” explained Clive helpfully

“I’m just bringing my Omniscience to full power” announced Malcolm “and yes a true inspiration has already emerged”

“Well come on” said Clive impatiently “let’s have it”

“Your talents” said Malcolm thoughtfully “obviously lie in converting big things into small things. You’ve achieved this for PUP, the Palmer Resort at Coolum, the joint venture with Citic, Gold Coast United and now the Titanic II project has gone down without any help from an iceberg”

“But I’m still as large as life” protested Clive

“So I see a productive future for you” said Malcolm analytically “as President of the ACTU reducing the trade union movement from go-slows to a complete standstill”

“What about Queensland Nickel?” asked Clive

“In a few months” replied Malcolm “it won’t be worth a dime”

Comments

Share with
Sign up for Mailing List

powered by MailChimp!

Advertisement

You may also like...

Don’t Kill Bill
Ged and Sally call in Bill to discuss why his career at the AWU is...
Nicking Off
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall at a meeting of the SA...
In His Bad Books
Celebrated Canberra correspondent Dick Head interviews Kevin Rudd on...
Accentuating The Positive
In another of her enthralling dissertations about life in The Lodge...
Will Theresa Exit Before Brexit?
Pudding Club members wrestle with the question of whether Theresa is...
It’s All The Rage
The Friday Mash Motoring Editor discusses the latest techniques for...