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Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Nuclear Vociferation

Nuclear Vociferation

Friday 10 April, 2015
Kerryman comes up with a brilliant plan to prevent Iran opening a global chain of fast nuke outlets.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“What the hell is going on with Iran?” asked Obama
“Beats me” replied Biden “I have trouble relating to any country which doesn’t have McDonald’s or KFC outlets”
“But they’re helping in the fight against Islamic State” said Obama “and being a major pain in-the-arse everywhere else”
“I know” said Biden” let’s face it they regard the US as an extreme faction of the National Rifle Association. And they can’t stand Netanyahu either”

“That makes two of us” said Obama “but the trouble is Iran supports all kinds of awful people like Hamas, Hezbollah and Assad. I was hoping that IS would do something useful like knocking off Assad and then we could persuade Iran to knock off IS for knocking off their buddy”

“The problem is” said Biden “that Arabs don’t think like us. They just want to fight amongst themselves and don’t appreciate us interfering”
“How ungrateful” said Obama “I suppose there is possibly a faint chance that Kerryman understands what’s going on better than we do. What’s he doing at the moment?”
“He’s at a conference in Lausanne” replied Biden “trying to persuade the Iranians not to build nuclear weapons”
“Sounds like he could be doing something useful for a change” said Obama “let’s get the horse’s arse back here to check out what’s going on”
When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was withdrawing sufficient funds from his Swiss bank account to pay for a scalp deforestation.
“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama when the deforested diplomat arrived “what the hell’s going on with the Iranians?”
“Well I’ve almost persuaded them not to build any nuclear weapons” said Kerryman
“Oh good” said Obama “how did you manage that?”
“I threatened to ban the importation of Persian carpets” replied Kerryman “Persian cats and Persian lamb as well”
“Good heavens” said Obama “that’s an extreme sanction isn’t it? I had Persian lamb for dinner only last week”
“We’ve got to get tough with these people” said Kerryman “we can’t have them opening a global fast nuke chain because we’d all get fried with that”
“You mean” said Biden “we’ve got to pull the Persian rug out from under their feet”
“Very funny Joe” said Obama “Tell me Kerryman what is the brilliant initiative you can bring to the negotiating table to get the Iranians to give up their nuclear ambitions permanently? Will you have to guarantee that we’ll continue to import Persian cats, lamb and carpets?”
“Nothing as extreme as that” replied Kerryman “all we’ll have to do is agree to import Iranian cats, lamb and carpets instead”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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