Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Obama Takes Indecisive Action in the Middle East

Obama Takes Indecisive Action in the Middle East

Friday 21 November, 2014
Read how Kerryman once again prevents Obama from taking decisive action in the Middle East thereby saving the world from having to pick up the pieces.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

Kerryman Secretary in a State

‘The mid-term election results’ said Obama ‘were disastrous for the Democrats not to mention me’

‘Look on the bright side’ said Biden ‘all you’ve got to do for the next two years is keep your head down and blame the Republicans’

‘I can’t understand’ said Obama ‘why the American public doesn’t embrace my nation building genius’

‘Oh I can’ said Biden ‘especially when you thought that ISIL was a better option to run Syria than Assad’

‘Even Hillary’s distancing herself from me’ said Obama

‘You can hardly blame her’ said Biden ‘given your current standing out there her best chance of becoming president is treating you like someone in an Ebola quarantine facility’

‘Only the other day’ said Obama ‘I read an article which labelled me a total failure in the Middle East’

‘That’s nothing’ said Biden ‘you should read all those which claim you’re a total disaster in the Mid-West’

‘The people I rely on are letting me down’ said Obama ‘like that itinerant arsehole Kerryman. He’s making me look like a ditherer because he never does anything. Let’s get him in here and shake him up a bit’

When the White House got in touch with Kerryman he was selling cushions for charity which were stuffed with his own hair’

‘Now look Kerryman’ said Obama sternly ‘because of your douchebag diplomacy the Democrats have been demolished at the election and I’m reduced to being a photo opportunity for the next two years because I refuse to do fundraising for Hillary’

‘Have no fear’ said Kerryman ‘I’m planning a major shift in foreign policy that will restore your standing to pre-Benghazi and pre-IRS levels’

‘You don’t mean you’re planning to invest in property on the West Bank’ said Obama

‘Even more dramatic than that’ said Kerryman ‘my concept is to ignore the Middle East completely because it’s too much of a basket case and switch to climate change’

‘That’s ridiculous’ said Obama ‘nobody gives a carbon neutral knee trembler about that. The main game’s about ISIL’

‘Fighting ISIL’s not your thing’ said Kerryman ‘you’re more the Nobel Peace Prize type. So I’ve got President Xi to agree not to increase China’s carbon emissions after 2030’

‘That’s amazing’ said Obama

‘Not really’ said Kerryman ‘he doesn’t have to do anything about emissions for the foreseeable future and none of us will be around in sixteen years’

‘Brilliant’ said Obama ‘I’ll jump on the bandwagon immediately. Will you shut things down in the Middle East?’

‘No problem’ said Kerryman ‘I’ll let ISIL know you’ve changed you mind and now once again believe they’re a better option to run Syria than Assad’


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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