Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

On Standby

On Standby

Friday 22 July, 2016
In the event that Hillary gets infested or arrested Kerryman agrees to go on standby to undertake a Presidential campaign suicide mission to stop Trump.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“It’s great news” opined Biden “that the FBI have decided not to prosecute Hillary

“It’s an humungous mess” pronounced Obama “when the Democratic nominee for President is pronounced ‘extremely careless’ by the FBI while I can’t even persuade them to give Trump a parking ticket”

“But surely” remarked Biden “it marks a huge leap forward in image development for Hillary to go from ‘compulsive liar’ to ‘extremely careless’”

“Nevertheless” said Obama “I’m very worried because the State Department has started another inquiry into the emails debacle and the FBI is still investigating the Clinton Foundation. For all we know it could be a money laundering center”

“Bernie’s now thrown his support behind Hillary’s campaign” announced Biden

“Don’t tell me he’s soliciting campaign contributions from Wall St” said Obama anxiously

“And you claimed” asserted Biden “she was the best-prepared ever candidate for President”

“That’s because she’s the only candidate who has ever had the benefit of my advice” claimed Obama “Look I think we need a Plan B in case some awful fate befalls Hillary”

“You must mean me” said Biden

“The trouble with you and Bernie is that you’re both older than Trump” pointed out Obama “I’d prefer someone more vibrant and youthful who makes Trump look like a has-been”

“You surely can’t mean Kerryman” said Biden incredulously

“Hey that’s not such a bad idea” said Obama pensively

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was negotiating a contract to sell his hair clippings to the makers of Trump toupées.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama when he entered the Oval Office

“we’re scared stiff Hillary’s going to get infested or arrested so we want you on standby to take on Trump”

“Why me?” asked Kerryman

“Well it could become a suicide mission” replied Obama “and you’re expendable”

“But my reputation would get totally trampled by Trump” protested Kerryman

“Join the club” said Obama

“What are the chances” asked Kerryman “that I’d survive a campaign against Trump and become President?”

“Practically nil” replied Obama “you’re only in there as election cannon fodder.

If it looked like there was a chance of you becoming President I’d arrange at the last minute for you to enter a drug rehabilitation center and bring in Joe as the candidate to gather the last-minute sympathy vote”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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