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UK Election CamPAIN 2015

On the Funicular with Nicola

On the Funicular with Nicola

Friday 1 May, 2015
Friday Mash’s seductive UK correspondent Tori Banger believes it’s difficult to project an outcome to the UK election that would please anyone outside Scotland and the Miliband family.
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UK Election CamPAIN 2015

Voters in the UK are only just beginning to come to grips with the very real prospect that the election will result in the centre of UK government being transferred from Westminster to Edinburgh.

Nigel is coming fourth, Miliband is coming second, David is coming first but many seconds behind an outright majority and Nick is hardly coming at all. Nicola looks like getting 50 odd seats and ending up the winner.

It still looks as if David is going to be a few UKIPs and Lib Dems short of a 326 seat majority Coalition. And there’s the not insignificant Issue that Nigel and Nick would likely be as impossible a coalition pairing as Tony Blair and George W Bush.

Nicola is promoting economic policies which will undoubtedly gain the approval of the Greek Government. Her plan to scrap the Trident programme will receive unequivocal endorsement from Putin and she’s determined to pursue policies which demonstrate to the rest of the UK they’d be in a far better position if they got off Scot free.

And if that’s not enough to forever consign her to the annals of the asinine she could be instrumental in Miliband becoming PM.

Ed probably can’t believe his luck. Labour’s vote is wavering, he won’t command a majority of seats in England or Northern Ireland, the Party faces an electoral disaster in Scotland yet thanks to the fact that Nicola thinks the Tories are the worst thing since sliced porridge he stands a good chance of marching into number 10.

Nicola is going to impose some fairly searching conditions in return for an arrangement which guarantees him the top gig like a weekly referendum on Scottish independence until one finally gets up, mothballing Trident up his Southern Channel and adopting an economic policy that would make Gordon Brown look like the head of a bank.

Apparently no-one in the UK should be in the slightest bit worried about their future prospects under a Nicola-led government. She has reassured the country that ‘if the SNP emerges from this election in a position of influence I will always seek to exercise it in the interests of people not just in Scotland but across the whole of the UK’
That’s like someone whose main policy is to fire you claiming to be acting in your best interest.

It would be foolhardy in the extreme to assume that Nicola’s plans for England, Wales and Northern Ireland would be any more sympathetic than those of Braveheart.

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About this Series
Tori Banger, Friday Mash’s UK political correspondent, will be providing coverage of the UK election in her own inimitably seductive style

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