Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Dick Head Interviews

Once Was Almost A Politician

Once Was Almost A Politician

Friday 2 December, 2016
Dick Head, our renowned Canberra correspondent, recently bumped into Clive Palmer outside the law courts and found that despite losing forty-two kilos he was still throwing his weight behind Trump.
The story starts here...

“Hi Clive” greeted Dick “what’s your reaction to Trump becoming US President?”

“Well of course I’m not surprised” replied Clive “seeing that I was his inspiration. If it wasn’t for my persecution by the Australian legal system I would be in The Lodge by now and Trump would be known as the American Clive Palmer”

“Why do you think it was” asked Dick “that Trump didn’t stand for the Presidency as a Palmer United Party candidate?”

“Because Jacqui and the Brick With Eyes became disunited” replied Clive convincingly “Dio became disenfranchised and I became distrusted so there was no-one left to be united with”

“How exactly” queried Dick “did you inspire Trump to become US President?”

“By demonstrating that politics is all as big a con-job as political correctness” replied Clive with conviction “People have come to believe that politics is a necessary evil in the business of running a country and I proved that was all a load of bullshit. For example there’s absolutely no reason why Trump can’t appoint me to be Australian Ambassador to the US”

“So how do you feel now” asked Dick “about your prospects for another non-political career in Canberra?”

“Bloody frustrated” responded Clive “here I am stuck in the law courts with only a nickel to my name while even a political plonker like Pauline can exploit the Trump potential. If I make it back in time to contest the PM’s job with Malcolm and Bill at the next election I’d be an absolute shoo-in even without resorting to misogyny or groping”

“Does the Palmer United Party have a future?” asked Dick

“Without a doubt” replied Clive with absolute conviction “I’m trying to sell it to the Greens because it will be exactly the right size for them in a few years”

“Have you drawn up any plans yet for your non-political comeback?” asked Dick

“I’ve had preliminary discussions with Trump about converting Australia into an extended version of Guantanamo Bay” replied Clive “but beyond that I believe it would be prudent to wait until the polls no longer put my chances of a successful comeback below those of Mark Latham, Peter Slipper, Bronwyn Bishop and the First Bloke”


About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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