Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

One No Trump

One No Trump

Friday 28 August, 2015
Obama and Biden call in Kerryman to advise them on whether Hillary carries all the cards in the presidential race or whether the Democrats need a stronger hand to avoid being Trumped.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“I can’t believe Trump” said Biden

“Me neither” said Obama

“He defies logic” said Biden “after he claimed that you and I were the worst presidential team in living memory his poll numbers went up”

“That must be a mistake” said Obama “because surely even ratbag Republicans can’t be that removed from reality”

“Can you believe what he said about that woman” asked Biden “who asked him the curly questions during the debate on Fox News?”

“I was shocked” replied Obama “in fact if she hadn’t been from Fox News I’d have been outraged”

“Why do you think Trump is resonating out there?” asked Biden

“Because he appeals to raddled old Republicans” replied Obama “who actually believe I’ve done a deal with Mexico to accept all their criminals on the proviso they all guarantee to vote Democrat”

“Bernie Sanders is making quite an impact” said Biden

“It seems” said Obama “that even Democratic voters want the option of voting for a nutty anti-politician”

“This anti-politician thing has become a worldwide phenomenon” commented Biden “There’s all sorts of people like Jeremy Corbyn in the UK and Tsipras in Greece who are making the absurd claim that they can run governments better than genuine politicians”

“This is dangerous” said Obama “we’d better call in Kerryman to get his perspective. It will be interesting to see whether he’s been keeping up with world affairs or just sitting on his arse in Washington”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was doing an exclusive deal with a pillow manufacturer to supply them with all the clippings from his haircuts.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama when he fronted “I need your analysis of the worldwide trend to anti-politicians and how it could affect the Presidential election”

“My in-depth analysis of this fascinating phenomenon” responded Kerryman

“confirms that people vote for anti-politicians like Trump mainly because they’re not the same old politicians like you”

“But surely that doesn’t apply to standout politicians like Hillary, Joe and me” said Obama

“On the contrary” said Kerryman “you stand out because you’re even worse”

“I hadn’t realised how serious the situation has become” said Obama “A name like Clinton or Bush is obviously a serious handicap in this Presidential election and only people in retirement homes would vote for Joe”

“All the Democratic Party needs” said Kerryman “is someone who has the public support to get to first base with the power to smash Trump’s pitches out of the park”

“Alex Rodriguez would be ideal” said Obama “but before I call his agent I’d better check with the FBI to see whether there are any confidential emails from him on Hillary’s computer and also get the results of his latest drug test”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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