Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

One Steppe At A Time

One Steppe At A Time

Friday 25 March, 2016
Kerryman and Putin discuss a new world order and whether there should be fries with that.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“Oh Kerryman’ said Putin “how nice of you to drop by” Kerryman was in Moscow last week to discuss Syria and other major world issues like Trump.

“Well I didn’t have anything much on at the moment” said Kerryman “and I thought there were one or two matters we might usefully discuss like why the hell are you getting out of Syria?”

“It’s become all too difficult” replied Putin “Assad wanted me to bomb everybody except him but you Americans only wanted me to bomb some of them and my friend Assad as well”

“Well look” said Kerryman “why don’t you agree to us going in and removing Assad then the rebels will stop rebelling”

“Because then ISIS would take over” replied Putin ‘and neither of us would be happy”

“How about then” suggested Kerryman “we totally reorientate the conflict so that everyone is clear which side they’re on?”

“That might be a step forward” admitted Putin

“First of all” said Kerryman “you’d have to find an top job for Assad in Russia like President of Vodkaholics Anonymous. Then we could get Assad’s forces and the non-ISIS and non-Al Qaeda rebels together on one side and ISIS and Al Qaeda on the other so that everyone knows which side they’re on even if they’re on different sides”

“But that would mean we’re on the same side” said Putin “and that could cause me huge embarrassment”

“Well look” said Kerryman “we’re working quite well with the communists in China”

“I might agree to that plan” said Putin “if I was allowed to choose Assad’s successor”

“Who do you have in mind?” asked Kerryman

“Me” replied Putin “because I’ve absorbed Crimea and I’m ready for the next step in my empire-building programme”

“Wait a minute” exclaimed Kerryman “you can hardly expect us to agree to that”

“Then it will have to wait until my friend Donald takes over in January 2017” said Putin “I’ll do a deal with him for Syria in return for Edward Snowden

“Take my word for it” said Kerryman “Trump’s not going to happen, it will be Hillary”

“Donald and I have an understanding” said Putin “we plan to work together to bring about world peace by building walls everywhere”

“But what about Hillary?” asked Kerryman “why couldn’t you work with her on a plan to protect the world?”

“Are you kidding?” asked Putin “If I was under threat at an embassy in Benghazi she’d be the last person I’d call to come and save me”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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