Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Out of Touch

Out of Touch

Friday 4 November, 2016
Kerryman comes up with a brilliant idea to make sure that Trump’s feelings hurt him more than other people.  “It’s such a relief” sighed Obama “that Hillary looks home and hosed for the White House” “It certainly looks that way” agreed Biden “but that wouldn’t mean we’d be free from the tyranny of Trump” “Why […]
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Kerryman comes up with a brilliant idea to make sure that Trump’s feelings hurt him more than other people.

 “It’s such a relief” sighed Obama “that Hillary looks home and hosed for the White House”

“It certainly looks that way” agreed Biden “but that wouldn’t mean we’d be free from the tyranny of Trump”

“Why not” demanded Obama “with Hillary in the White House we’d no longer be menaced by the threat of misogynism, racism and politically incorrect groping”

“Because Trump isn’t a good loser” replied Biden “he’d go on a rampage of revenge to bring Hillary down and ensure your Presidential legacy ends up as a bigger soap opera than Eva Peron’s”

“Jeez” cried Obama “this is a major crisis. What the hell can I do to protect my legacy from Trump?”

“Things could be even worse if Trump wins” pointed out Biden “your legacy could get snagged in the illegal immigrant round-up and end up in Mexico. And if Trump starts rolling out Chris Christie everywhere we’d all be in danger of getting completely flattened”

“I’ll tell you what” suggested Obama ‘why don’t we have a word with Kerryman, he could probably find us a safe haven overseas somewhere”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman had just been addressed as ‘Herr Kerry‘ by the German ambassador and he took that to mean he needed a haircut.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama sternly when his Secretary of State popped in “after Hillary wins the Presidency it looks like we’re faced with a Trump insurgency”

“I know” said Kerryman knowingly “and it could be even more dangerous than the Bernie insurgency”

“Well what atrocities do you think Trump will activate?” demanded Obama

“I believe that straight after Hillary wins the election” replied Kerryman “Trump will lead an insurgency force to seize the White House and the Presidency and ensure that Hillary and Bill won’t be able to move in next January”

“But what about me?” asked Obama “I’ll still be here”

“You’d be the ideal choice” replied Kerryman “to lead the public round the White House on organised tours. Ok just kidding, actually I’ve conceived a brilliant plan. After Hillary wins the election you and Joe should stay around here disguised as femmes fatales. When Trump raids the place he won’t be able to keep his hands off you and then we can have him arrested”

“But what for?” asked Obama

“Having ill feelings about a President?” replied Kerryman

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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