Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Paying His Jews

Paying His Jews

Friday 20 March, 2015
Kerryman comes up with an inspired way to exploit Obama’s lame-duck status after Netanyahu ducked out of seeing him.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“What the hell is Netanyahu doing here?” asked Obama

“He’s come to address Congress” replied Biden

“Well why isn’t he coming to address me?” asked Obama

“Because it’s a waste of time replied Biden “all you two do is fight like a couple of drunks at a Methodist Convention over a Budweiser”

“But how dare he come here and ignore me” said Obama “I’ll bet the Republicans have put him up to this. Well they can all get stuffed because I’m determined to do this nuke deal with the Iranians”
“I wouldn’t get your knickers in too big a knot” said Biden “because there’s an election in Israel soon and Netanyahu has obviously come here to maximise his postal votes”
“Is there any chance he will lose?” asked Obama

“There is a possibility” replied Biden “but if that happens he’s likely to be replaced by someone who favours a two state solution and you know what a bugger’s muddle that could be, everyone would be in a real state”

“But if I pull off this nuclear treaty” said Obama “I’ll be remembered as the president who ensured that Iran was more Iranian than Uranium”

“The trouble is” said Biden “the Iranians are less trustworthy than the Israelis and if we don’t show more support for Israel it means Hillary can kiss goodbye to the Jewish vote in 2016”

“I haven’t heard a damned thing from Kerryman about all this” said Obama “it’s about time we checked whether the itinerant idiot has got any idea about what’s going on”

When he was contacted by the White House Kerryman was getting a trim at a sheep-shearing shed in Virginia.

“Look here Kerryman” said Obama when the shearing-shed shorn Secretary of State shuffled in “I’m beginning to look like a spectator at the UN. Netanyahu is here and he’s ignoring me”

“Yes I know” said Kerryman “I arranged it”

“What” yelled Obama “has in-growing hair finally formed a parting in your brain. Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you would have thrown a huge wobbler” replied Kerryman “and that would have spoilt my brilliant plan”

“Okay” said Obama ‘let’s have it slowly”

“Well” said Kerryman “there’s an election coming up in Israel and the last thing we need is some nutter becoming prime minister who wants to negotiate a two state solution

“Why?” asked Obama

“Because we’d have to provide as much foreign aid to the Palestinian state” replied Kerryman “as we do to Israel and we can’t afford it. So it’s very much in our interests for Netanyahu to be re-elected on the back of some belligerent bullshitting to Congress”

“But he savaged my nuclear treaty with Iran” said Obama

“Well he lives much closer to them than you do” said Kerryman

“But I’ve been made to look impotent” said Obama

“I know” said Kerryman “but that’s a huge improvement on looking like a lame duck”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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